Jokes News

What’s the difference between driving in stormy weather and oral sex on a woman?

While driving in stormy weather you can’t see the asshole in front of you.

Jonny:What sex position gives you ugly children?
Mary: I don’t know.
Jonny: Go ask your parents!

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they all made out of meat?

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play raquetball.

Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,” she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband either,” she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this club.”

Q. What’s better than 69?

A. 77…you get 8 more!!!!!!

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic items. “How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“170.”

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 183.

The nurse then asks, “Your height?”

“Five-eleven.”

The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5′ 8 1/2″.

She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high. The man explains, “Of course, it’s high. When I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I’m short and dumpy.”

I saw my mate Spag the other day; hadn’t seen him for some time. I was surprised to see that he had a nasty big red bruise right across his forehead. Horrible looking thing. I said, “Wow, what happened to you, Spag?” He said, “Well, me and the wife were doing it doggy-style out in the back yard, and there was a big clap of thunder, and she ran under the house.”

There was a black man, white man, and a dumb man at work. Then it was time for lunch. The 3 men sat down to begin their lunch. The black man opened his lunch to see a tuna fish sandwhich. He said, “If I get another sandwich with tuna fish in it, I am going to kill myself!”

Then the white man opened his lunch to see a peanut butter sandwich. He said, “If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I am going to kill myself!”

The dumb man opened his lunch to see a ham and cheese sandwich. He said, “If I get another ham and cheese sandwich, I am going to kill myself!”

The next day at work, the same 3 men got the same 3 sandwiches and kill themselves.

At the funeral, the black man’s wife was crying and said, “If I only knew he didn’t like tuna fish sandwiches!” The white man’s wife said, “If only I knew he didn’t like peanut butter sandwiches!” The dumb man’s wife WASN’T crying at all. The other two wives went to her and asked, “Why aren’t you crying?”

The dumb man’s wife replied, “My husband packed his own lunch!”

Women’s Quote of the Day:
“Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something that you’d like to have dinner with.”

Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”