Jokes News

A little boy goes out for Halloween dressed as a pirate.

An old lady says to him, “What a cute pirate! Where are your bucaneers?”

The little boy replies, “Under my bucking hat.”

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. “I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.”

My Billy used to do the same things,” the older woman replied, “but I broke him of that pesky habit.”

“How?”

“I hid his teeth!”

Why does it take more than one woman with PMS to change a lightbulb?

IT JUST DOES, OK?!?!?!?!?!!?

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

“An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.”

She wasn’t selected for the jury.

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret, and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She finally says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”

The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six carthwheels on your way to the altar.”

Three blondes go to a bar.
There is one barstool left, and no tables.
They all want to sit together, but again, there is only one barstool.

Question: How can they all still sit together?

Blonde Answer: Turn the barstool upside down, and sit on the stool legs.

Your mama is so stupid, she called my house and asked
me what my phone number was.

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, Ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, Ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.” The lady looked at him, strangely, and went on her way.

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, say we don’t have something! If we don’t have it, say we ordered it, and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

“Rain,” said the clerk.

TEN simple indications that the person next to you on the subway is “Nuts”.
(A Luis G. Moreno original)

10.The guy next to you points out a location on the subway map with his toes.
9.The lady next to you makes “chomping” noises with her teeth at everyone, indicating that she wants some gum.
8.The person next to you repeatedly sits and stands on the seat beside you claiming, “I’m ..not…..NUTS!…I’m ..not ….NUTS!”
7.The lady next to you looks at your dog and asks, “You gonna eat that?”
6.That same lady looks over to your cat this time and adds “If so, what ’bout the cat?”
5.The guy next to you laughs out a big “HA,HA” everytime the train conductor announces the next stop and adds a “nooooo sir, that’s not -my- stop…….YET!!!”
4. The person next to you slowly turns toward your direction and asks, “If I give you a subway token right here, right now…..will you be able to reimburse me before the next stop.”
3.The “quiet” person next to you on the express train suddenly lashes out and yells, “Come ooooooon in, there is PLENTY of rooooom!” everytime the train doors open and people enter.
2. The guy next to you hums the “Star Spangled Banner” every five minutes then gives himself a quarter (every ten minutes, a dollar)
1.The person next to you introduces themselves as “Hello, my name is Professor I.R. Nuts.”