A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”

Men think computers should be referred to as females, just like ships, because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

4. Your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Women think computers should be referred to as male. Here’s why:
1. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half or the time, they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.

Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first one, “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Albert Jones,” the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

St Peter then asked the second one the same question, “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Charlie Smith,” And St. Peter let him in.

He finally asked the third one, “Who’s there?”

“It is I, Verla Mara,” answered the third person.

“Oh, great!” muttered St. Peter. “Another one of those English teachers.”

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after they got to know each other a bit, decided to get married.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely and attended by all the push brooms and dust mops.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and whispered to the groom broom, “We’re soon going to have a little whisk broom!”

“Impossible!” said the groom broom, indignantly. “We haven’t even swept together yet!!!”

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again, I come again, and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.”

“You foul mouthed swine!” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about sex in public.”

“Hey coola down lady,” said the man. “Whosa talkin about sex? I’ma just tellin’ my frienda here how to spella Mississippi!”