Jokes News

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”

Men think computers should be referred to as females, just like ships, because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

4. Your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Women think computers should be referred to as male. Here’s why:
1. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half or the time, they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.

Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first one, “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Albert Jones,” the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

St Peter then asked the second one the same question, “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Charlie Smith,” And St. Peter let him in.

He finally asked the third one, “Who’s there?”

“It is I, Verla Mara,” answered the third person.

“Oh, great!” muttered St. Peter. “Another one of those English teachers.”

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after they got to know each other a bit, decided to get married.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely and attended by all the push brooms and dust mops.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and whispered to the groom broom, “We’re soon going to have a little whisk broom!”

“Impossible!” said the groom broom, indignantly. “We haven’t even swept together yet!!!”

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again, I come again, and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.”

“You foul mouthed swine!” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about sex in public.”

“Hey coola down lady,” said the man. “Whosa talkin about sex? I’ma just tellin’ my frienda here how to spella Mississippi!”

What do you call 3 blondes sitting around a Christmas tree?

Ho, ho, ho

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all
of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played in reverse.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert noticed that the symphonies
were being played in the reverse order in which they were penned, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to Beethoven’s Second Symphony, also being played backwards.

Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Don’t you get it?” the caretaker says incredulously.

“Beethoven’s DECOMPOSING!!”

Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say
ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter
how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter
how much the skunks are threatening…
******************************************************
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla Jean.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is
- - - 1. Elvis who?

Q: What do you get when you cross viagra and windex?

A: Rise and shine