Jokes News

Do you know why most start-up religions fail within the first five years?

They are the weaker sects

A butcher was about to close up shop one night when a dog walked in, carrying a paper bag in its mouth. The butcher tried to shoo the dog away, but it wouldn’t leave. Instead it set the bag down and barked at it. So the butcher looked inside of the bag, and found some money and a note.

The note said:
1 lb Italian sausage
2 lbs Pork chops

So the butcher filled the order, made change for the dog, put it all in the bag and handed it back to the dog. The dog grabbed the bag in its mouth and left.

Well, the butcher was pretty amazed, so he decided to follow the dog, since he was closing up shop anyway.

He followed the dog down the street, where he witnessed the dog walk up to a street corner and wait for the walk signal. When the signal came, the dog crossed the street.

The butcher, now thinking that this was the smartest dog he had ever seen, followed.

The dog ended up at a bus stop. Several buses went by, and the dog just sat there. Finally, when the number 32 bus arrived, the dog got on. So did the butcher.

After a while the dog got off the bus, and the butcher followed. The dog walked down a long street until he got to a house. He jumped up to the gate and opened the latch, then walked towards the house. When he got to the front step, he set the bag down and rang the doorbell with his nose.

The butcher, witnessing this, was now convinced that this was the world’s smartest dog. He was flabbergasted!

The dog rang the doorbell a few more times, when finally a man answered. “You stupid, stupid dog!”, he said.

The butcher then piped up, “What do you mean ’stupid’? This dog is a genius!”

“No, he’s an idiot. He forgot his keys again!”

One day a boy was walking home from school when he came across an Indian and an elephant. The Indian noticed the little boy and said, “This elephant tell how old you are.”

And the boy said, “Yeah, right!”

Then the elephant stompped his feet ten times and the boy said, “Yes I am ten years old!”

So he went home and told his mom and the mom went to the Indian with the elephant and the Indian said, “This elephant tell how old you are.”

And the mom said, “There’s no way an elephant can tell how old I am!”

Then the elephant stomped his feet 37 times, and the mother said, “Oh my gosh, that’s right.”

So the boy and the mother went home and told the dad. So the dad came and the Indian said, “This elephant tell how old you are.”

And the dad scowled, “Yeah right, an elephant can’t tell how old I am!”

Then the elephant farted and stomped its feet twice. And the father said, “See I told you, an elephant cannot tell how old I am…”

And the Indian said, “This elephant say you are farty two.”

Fashion model, Twiggy, of the 70s, decided that she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered this upscale department store and approached the saleslady in Lingerie, “Do you have a Size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?”

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and proceeded to another department store where she was rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become quite disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?”

The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?”

A really huge, muscular guy with a bad stutter, goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-en’s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”

Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger!!!

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk replies, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get k-k-k-killed?!!!”

A Cowboy enters a restaurant in Dallas and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her — knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”

The Cowboy, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches!

…Sorry, honey.”

A guy and his beautiful girlfriend go into to this bar. The guy sits down and the beautiful girl tells her boyfriend that she is going to the bar to order her favorite mixed drink. She walks up to the bar to order the drink and along comes this drunk guy slurring, “Damn, baby, you are so fine, I would love to suck on those tits of yours!”

She replies, “How dare you talk to me that way, my boyfriend is sitting over there and I am going to tell him what you said and he is going to kick your ass!” She tells her boyfriend what the drunk guy said and the boyfriend stands up firmly and replies to the drunk guy, “You don’t talk to my girlfriend like that. I know she is beautiful but if you do it again I will have to commence to kicking your ass!”

The boyfriend tells the girl to go back to the bar and order that drink and that she should not worry about the drunk guy. She goes to the bar and again here comes the drunk slurring, “God damn, baby, you are so fine I just want to fuck you right here on this bar!”

She replies, “How dare you talk to me in that way? I am going to tell my boyfriend and he is gonna kick your ass!” She tells her boyfriend and the guy stands up and takes his jacket off and rolls up his sleeves and furiously threatens, “If I have to tell you again to stop talking to my girlfriend like that I will kick your god damn ass! I am not going to warn you again!”

He tells the girlfriend to go back to the bar and to not worry about the drunk for if he does it again he will kick his ever loving ass. She goes back to the bar and here comes that drunk mother fucker again slurring, “Daaamn, baby, I just can’t help it. You are so fine, I want to lay you down on this bar and fill your pussy up with beer and suck it dry!”

The girl replies, “That’s it, your ass is as good as kicked!” She goes back and tells her boyfriend again what the drunk said. The boyfriend stands up, rolls down his sleeves, puts on his jacket and runs swiftly out the door.

The girlfriend runs out to catch her boyfriend and asks, “Why did you run out like that? Aren’t you going to kick his ass like you said?”

And the boyfriend replies, “I ain’t gonna fuck with anybody that can drink that much beer!!!”

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

“I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”

He replied, “No, Highway Patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Your mama so fat when she posed for Penthouse they had to make the centerfold 4 extra pages bigger.

Did you hear about the fight in the fish ‘n’ chip shop last night?

Two fish got battered.