Jokes News

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed “Hysterias and Posteriors.”

The doctors didn’t find it acceptable, so they suggested “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

The town didn’t like that either and countered with “Catatonics and High Colonics.”

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:

“Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.”
“Minds and Behinds.”
“Lost Souls and Ass-holes.”
“Analysis and Anal Cysts.”
“Queers and Rears.”
“Nuts and Butts.”
“Freaks and Cheeks.”
“Loons and Moons.”

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends.”

A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses.

On the third tee the husband says, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows - It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringes and says, “I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, “Come in.” When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch says, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah,” the husband says. “Sorry about that.”

“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes - I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband says. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem - it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie says, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world,” she says.

“Consider it done.”

“And what’s your wish, Genie?” the husband asks.

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it’s OK with me if it’s OK with you.”

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.

Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“35. Why?”

“And he still believes in genies?”

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, “Winston Churchill.”

“Congratulations,” said the teacher “you may go home.”

The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy”.

“Very good,” says the teacher, “you may go.”

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, “I wish those girls would just shut the hell up.”

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday!”

how do you kill a dumb blonde?

you put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Three nuns where talking.The first said,”I was cleaning in father’s room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do ?” The other nuns replied.

“Of course I threw them into the trash”!

The second nun said, “I can top that.I was in father’s room and found a pack of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.”What did you do,” the other nuns replied.

“I poked holes in all of them,” the nun replied.

The third nun fainted!

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but a lot of his friends to tell him how good he looks doing it.

Why did the one-armed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop!!

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN

His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK

He called everybody “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn’t get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH

He went into his father’s business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN

He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH

He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

(and now the MOST Compelling EVIDENCE:)

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when
there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done -they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000, with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared ONLY with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so….

PISCES:
Light bulb? WHAT light bulb?