Jokes News

Old Mrs. Moskowitz, who was ailing, was persuaded to visit a gynecologist for the first time in her life.

The efficient young doctor soothed her, helped her onto the table, and began a thorough gynecological examination.

Mrs. Moskowitz, looking down at him with deep disapproval, said, “Young man, does your mother know how you make a living?”

It was the night before the big hunt, and all the old hunting dogs always went out for a night on the town. One of the old hunting dogs decided it was time for his pup to join him.

The old dog told his pup, “Since this is your first night out on the town, you stay ten steps back and just observe.”

Shortly after reaching town the old dog turned down a dark alley, with the pup following close behind. As soon as they came upon a stack of garbage cans the old dog knocked one over and found some food to eat. Then the old dog proceeded down the alley. Next they came upon a French Poodle, who had obviously been let out to pee. The old dog mounted the poodle and had his way. Then he proceeded down the alley, the pup still following. Suddenly, the alley dead ended into a brick wall. The old dog walked up to the wall, sniffed it, squared up to it then hiking his leg, he peed all over the wall. Then he turned to the pup and said, “Come on pup, let’s go home.”

When they got home the old dog asked the pup if he understood what a night on the town was all about. The pup replied, “Yes, but I just have one question. I understand that you knocked those cans over ’cause you were hungry; and you humped that poodle ’cause you were horny; but why did you pee all over that wall.”

The old dog smiled and said, “Pup, as you get older in life you’ll come to realize: if you can’t eat it, or you can’t fuck it…PISS ON IT!!!”

A guy named Bill worked at a pickle factory. He was a good man except for one thing–he had an uncontrollable urge to stick his penis all the way up the pickle slicer. One day he told his wife, Mary, about his problem. She suggested that he get help, but he said that he would be too embarrased. So he decided to never stick his penis up the pickle slicer again.

About a week later he came back for work and told Mary that he got fired.

Mary said “My God Bill, what happened?”

He said “I did it again, but this time my boss caught me.”

Mary said “No, I mean what happened to the pickle slicer?”

He said “Oh, she got fired too!”

The Welfare Department received these letters from American citizens:

1. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

2. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

3. I want money as quick as I can get it, so I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another doctor.

4. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Uh oh!”

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

“Well, said the doc, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?

“No,” replied the man.

“Do you drink to excess?”

“No,” replied the man.

“Do you have a sex life?”

“As a matter of fact, I do!”

“Well, said the doc, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your sex life.”

Looking perplexed, the old man asked, “Which half…the LOOKING or the THINKING???”

There was once a huge argument between the FBI, CIA, and the CPD over who was better at obtaining and keeping their criminals locked up.

So, the Chief of Police for CPD decided to put an end to the argument. He said that whomover could put a case on President Clinton and keep him locked up for more than three months would be declared the winner.
So, the FBI went in first.

They searched the White House for documents and anything that would incriminate the President.

After extensive research, they burned any evidence that they found and reported that they could find no case to put on the President.

Next, the CIA went in. They questioned all secretaries, janitors, and anyone who they found. After their extensive research, they found no evidence to incriminate the President and burned down the White House out of anger.

After the White House was rebuilt, CPD went in. They were only in the White House with the President for about two hours.

Afterwards, they walked out with the President in handcuffs and took him directly to jail.

Exactly three months and one day later, the CPD let out the President.

When they interviewed the Chief of Police and asked him how he put a case on Clinton and locked him up, he responded, “We simply told him if he let us lock him up, then we would allow him to have twenty minutes alone with Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.”

One day a little boy returns home from Sunday School. When his mother asks him what he learned he says he learned about Moses.

“Well, what did you learn about Moses?”

“Well,” said the little boy. “We learned about when he escaped Egypt with all of the Hebrews. And how they were trying to get away but Pharoah was chasing them with his army. But Moses was having trouble getting away so he radioed in for help. Then an airplane came and bombed the Egyptians. When it was finished they built a bridge so Moses and all his people could cross the Red Sea.”

“Are you sure that’s how it goes?” asked the mother in shock.

“No,” said the little boy. “But if I told you what really happened you’d never believe me!”

What did the dentist say to the judge?

“Do you swear to pull the tooth,
the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth…”