Jokes News

Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Answer: A-mega-saur-ass

What is the difference between a nun and a whore in a bath?

One’s got hope in her soul the others got soap in her hole.

A young peasant girl of twelve went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office.

“But why?” he asked.

“Nothin, I just wanna quit that’s all,” she said sullenly.

“Look, I’ll give you a raise.”

“No,” she said

“You can’t just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me.”

“Okay if you must know…” said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, “Look I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom’s bristles, I tell you…”
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, “Ha ha…my dear it’s nature. Look I have it too….”

“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I can’t wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you’ve grown the handle as well.”

Two guys are eating lunch in a leper colony. (Leper - really nasty looking with skin disorders)

The guy on the left looks at the guy on his right, barfs, and runs out of the room.

The guy on the right is left in bewilderment. He looks around and says “Well damn, I must be getting pretty damn ugly.”

The lady sitting across from him looks over and says “Don’t worry, it’s not you at all, it was the guy sitting behind you dipping his bread in your neck.”

A young bull and an old bull were standing on top of a hill overlooking a herd of cows.

The young bull says, “Why don’t we run down there and fuck a couple of cows?”

The old bull replies, “Lets walk down and fuck them all!!”

There was a strange performance at the LA Philarmonic the other day… It was Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, and it was dedicated to Sammy Sosa… He and his wife got a standing ovation as they took their front-row seats…

As the orchestra began to play, the Base players, who don’t have any part until an hour into the Symphony, began to get bored…they held a whispered conversation, and decided to slip quietly out to the Lobby for a few drinks…so they would have a chance to get back in time, they tied the pages of the musical score that their part was in together with a piece of string…

Count Dracula was in the Lobby bar and, being a huge fan of Base players, offered to buy them a few Bloody Marys…they all proceeded to get quite drunk, and 2 of the Bassists even passed out!

Come the fateful Base moment in the performance, the Conductor was unable to undo the string around te Score, and the Orchestra came to a crashing halt! He struggled mightily to undo the knot, then finally flung the sheets to the stage, and proceeded to jump up and down on them!!!

Sammy’s wife asked him what was the matter, and after a quick look around, he explained:
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“It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the Score is tied, the Bassists are loaded, there’s 2 out, the Count is 3 sheets 2 the wind, and the Conductor is pitching a fit!!!”

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

“I’m afraid not, Sir,” the clerk told him, apologetically, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical, but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later, the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures - 25 cents.”

“Why not,” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and pulled them out, perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents.”

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around, he put in 50 cents, then with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks, he unzipped his pants and stuck his “thing” into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out this terrible shriek of agony!!! Fifteen seconds later, it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his “thingy,” which now had a button sewed on the tip.

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.

BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.

BULIMIA: Retched excess.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor’s parakeet.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also

SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question “How are you?” in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

One day God was just sitting on his throne out of his mind bored. So he got one of his Saints, St.Paul.

“Paul, go down to earth and count all of my people, and tell me how many are beautiful and how many are ugly.”

It took St. Paul 365 days to complete this task. He went up to God and said,”99% of your people are UGLY and the remaining 1% of your people are BEAUTIFUL.”

God said, “WHAT? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT MY CREATIONS ARE UGLY?! GO BACK DOWN THERE AND THIS TIME BRING ST. MICHAEL AND COUNT THEM AGAIN!!”

So they both went down to earth once again. It took only 182 days for them to count. They went back to heaven and told God their good news. “99% of your people are BEAUTIFUL, and only 1% are UGLY.”

So the Angels started singing “ALLELUIA!”
God told all the gardian Angels to send the beautiful people letters.

Did you get one?