Jokes News

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastor’s son, replied, “That’s nothin’. My dad owns hell.”

“No way!” another boy scoffed. “How can a man own hell?”

“Sure he can,” the preacher’s son said. “My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night.”

A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man. He flips out, gets his gun from the night stand, and points at his own head. At this, his wife starts to laugh. He says, “Go ahead and laugh, bitch, you’re next!”

A man, named David, was feeling down because he was overdue on his bills and he was threatened to be evicted. So he went to a church and knelt down and said, “Please God, I know I don’t do this a lot, but I need your help. I need some money. Please, God, let me win the lottery. I trust in you.” Then David left the church, hopeful that he’d soon see results.

A week went by and he didn’t win the lottery, so he decided to try a different approach. David went to a Synagogue, knelt down, and said, “Okay, God, I know your busy and I haven’t been a very religious person, but I really need the money now. They’ve turned off my electricity and I need food. Please, God, let me win the lottery. I’ll be good. I’ll do charity work and everything.” So he left the Synagogue.

A week went by, and David didn’t win the lottery. He was disappointed so he went to a Mosque, knelt down and said, “God, I’m kind of disappointed. I didn’t win the lottery and I really need the money. They’ve kicked me out of my home and my mother needs surgery and I no longer have a job. I promise that if you let me win the lottery, I’ll attend service everyday, I’ll do charity work, I’ll give half my winnings to the poor, just please God, let me win the lottery.” David thought that this would do it, so with a satisfied grin he stood up and went outside.

Suddenly, the clouds opened up and a booming voice could be heard and it said, “David, buy a lottery ticket.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks up the dog examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What! Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s bloody heavy!”

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after
several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is this guy blind, or what?”

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her. “But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true….but you have all the equipment.

This guy was walking down the fairway toward the green when he spots a funeral procession passing by.

He stops and takes his hat off,bows his head,meditates for a few minutes and continues walking toward the green.

When he gets there, the foursome in front stops him to say that his jesture on the fairway was one of the most compasionate things they ever saw.He told them it was the least he could do seeing how he was married to her for 25 years.

Mr. Jeff Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, was sent by his company to Louisiana on a brief sales trip.

Upon arriving he sent an email home to his wife Jennifer (JenJohnson@somedomain.com). Unfortunately, he had forgotten his wife’s exact email address and the email ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@somedomain.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a minister who had just passed away.

Mrs. Johnson, the late minister’s wife, took one look at the email and immediately fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message which read: “Arrived safely, but it’s a lot hotter down here than I expected. See you soon.”