Jokes News

This story took place at a mental hospital.

The mentally retarded group of young men gathered around the swimming pool which did not have a drop of water. They pretended swimming with different styles and techniques just like the pool was full of water. The doctor was watching the group and noticed there was one man who did not swim, so he walked up to the patient:

Doctor: why are you not swimming?

Young man: Haha, you must not be a doctor, you must be one of them idiots.

The doctor thought that this patient realized the stupidity of others, so he went on.

Doctor: Oh, so you know that there is no water right?

Young man: You are getting more crazy. There’s water, it’s just that I don’t wanna drown, I can’t swim.

Yo mama so fat they had to grease the door frame and hold a twinke on the other side just to get her through.

or

Your mama is so fat her cereal bowl came with a life guard.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge
said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful! What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this and told them, ‘this BIG circle is your brain BEFORE drugs, and this SMALL circle is your brain AFTER drugs.’”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?”, the judge asked the second boy.

“Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever.”

“One-hundred-fifty people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar approach. I said, ‘This SMALL circle is your asshole BEFORE prison….’”

You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, and you’re not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long-to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt-doesn’t work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You sink your teeth into a steak-and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

A Blonde from Kentucky was really poor.

She was working 2 jobs, just to keep her and her 3 kids alive. She was always telling everybody that she wished that she was fucking rich, instead of fucking poor.

One day while walking home from work she found an old lamp along side of the road, when she pulled the cork out, here came a genie.

He was so happy he said,” I’ll grant you one wish if you let me go!”

She was so excited that she said,” I wish I was fucking rich!”

The next thing she knew, she was in a bed naked with some guy screwing her.

She yelled, “Who are you?”

He said, “I’m Rich.”

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day, as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man, casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt, got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she said in a scolding manner, “Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?”

The man replied, “That’s one benefit of owning the company!”

A woman was visiting her psychiatrist and he asked her what was going on with her life. She said, “Oh I’m having an affair with Bill Gates.”

The psychiatrist replies, “Oh, isn’t he married?”

The woman replies, “Yes, but you see it’s a sex thing. His wife won’t have sex with him because she figured out that his hard drive was actually a three and a half inch floppy.”

Wednesday morning, Little Johnny comes into class late.

The teacher called him to her desk and said, “Johnny, This is the third time you’ve been tardy this week.”

Thinking of a punishment she says, “I want you to make a sentence out of these three words: defense, deduct, and detail.”

So at recess Johnny comes back into the room and tells her that he’s done.

He recites it to her: “De head of de duck goes over de fence before de tail.