Jokes News

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.

“It’s the Minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she said to him, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

Yo mama’s so stupid she locked her keys in the car and couldn’t get out for a week!

Q:Two gay guys are fucking and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first?

A:The one on bottom, he already had his shit packed!!!

Q.How did the dog know the cat was a pussy?

A.He ate it.

Two soldiers went to a brothel to get some action. The madame told them that there was only one girl left and the two of them would have to share her.

“No problems,” says the first soldier. “We’re like brothers - we share everything.”

So they went upstairs to the room where the girl was waiting. The first soldier went in first while the second soldier waited outside. After fifteen minutes, the first soldier came out and was asked, “Well how was she?”

The first soldier replied, “Well, it’s not so bad but it can’t hold a candle to screwing my wife.” The second soldier then went in for his turn while the first soldier went downstairs to pass the time.

After twenty minutes, the second soldier came down and the first soldier asked, “Well?”

“Oh you’re right. Screwing your wife was so much better,” said the second soldier absentmindedly.

Yo mama so fat the last time she had seen 90210 was on the scale.

Yo mama teeth so yellow she spits butter.

Yo mama so old she farts dust.

A bloke walks into a drugists and says to the pharmacist,
“Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once,and I need something to keep me horny…. keep me potent.”

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label “Viagra Extra Strength” and says, “Here, if you take these, you’ll go nuts for twelve hours.”

The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.”

The next day the guy walks into the same drugist store, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, “Gimme a bottle of White Liniment.”

The pharmacist replies, “You’re not going to put Liniment on that are you?”

The man says, “No, it’s for my arms …. the girls didn’t show up!”

A General was reviewing the troops as they went through their camouflage exercises… “Nice waterfall, soldier!” he said; “Great burning bush!” he said to another. As he passed an old oak tree, it jumped…

“#$@%&!!” the General raged. “Get out here soldier!”

When the soldier came out, the General said “You know, the lives of the company depend on absolute stillness… what the @#$% happened?!!”

The soldier said, “Well sir, I didn’t flinch when the K-9 corps was marking me all day, and I didn’t bat an eye when the General’s kids were putting their names on my trunk with their penknives… but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg, and I heard one say, ‘Let’s eat one now, and save the other for winter’, I had to move!!!”

Top 10 ways the White House will be different now that Hillary has moved out:

10. President no longer sleeps alone.
9. Faucets in master bathroom now dispense scented massage oil and gravy.
8. Forget dress-down Friday—now all-nude Friday and pantless Monday through Thursday.
7. Volumes of Hillary fan mail redirected to new house.
6. Hillary no longer writing volumes of fan mail to herself.
5. No pressure to cuddle.
4. Token male intern transferred out.
3. Oval office now covered with “Vote Giuliani” posters.
2. Women’s soccer team no longer has to win the World Cup to spend night at the White House.
1. Menorah taken off living room mantle.

Q:What did the blonde`s right leg say to the left???!!!

A:Between you and me we can make a lot of money!!!