Jokes News

This woman’s husband dies, and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, “How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke now?”

The widow says, “Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

The friend says, “$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness! How big WAS it?”

Extending her left hand, the widow says, “Three carats.”

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent, and the three wives stayed in the other. Around 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, “WOW! UNBELIEVABLE!”

Bill woke up and asked, “What’s going on?”

Bob said, “I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife!”

“How come?”

“To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I’ve ever had in my entire life!”

After a pause, Bill said, “Do you want me to come with you?”

“Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?”

“Because that’s mine you’re holding.”

This Just in:

A truck load of Viagra has just been hijacked off I-95 hours ago.

Area police said they’re on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!

“It was just a simple misunderstanding, Your Honor,” testified Donald, when charged with indecent exposure.

“Explain that statement!” demanded the judge.

“Well, you see, Cathy and I were drinking in a bar, and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her.”

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: Keep the tip!!

This one bat returned from a long hard day’s work of collecting blood. Upon his return to the bat cave, he proceeded to hang from his perch whereupon a group of his friends noticed the blood from around his mouth.

They approached him and continually badgered him to tell the others where he got that blood. Although he was exhausted, he finally agreed to show the other bats where he got the blood under the condition that the other bats would leave him alone.

They all agreed. So, the bat left the cave and with him flew all of the other bats. The flew through the valley, and over the bushes. The flew around the rocks and past the hills.

Finally the one bat stopped by this one particular tree which stuck out sharply from the side of a hill and waited for the other bats to catch up to him. As he and his fellow bats hovered in front of the tree, he asked,

“Ok all you bats. Do you see this sharp edged tree?”

and they all responded in unison, “Yes?”

Then the bat responded…”Well, I didn’t.”

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when
your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first
baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby’s pacifier by blowing
on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman PJs.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and s/he begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house…