Jokes News

Zsa Zsa Gabor once appeared on a television program in which guest celebrities attempted to solve viewers’ conjugal problems. The first question came from a young lady: “I’m breaking my engagement to a very wealthy man who has already given me a sable coat, diamonds, a stove and a Rolls Royce. What should I do?”

“Give back the stove,” advised Zsa Zsa.

(It was Zsa Zsa who once claimed to be a good housekeeper. After each divorce, she kept the house).

A little boy was taking a bath with his mother and looked down and asked, “Mommy, what is that?” She replied, “Oh that is my sponge.”

The next day the mother was in the kitchen washing dishes and the little boy walks in and asks, “Mommy, how come you are not using your sponge?”

“Oh,” she says, “I lost it!”

The boy runs outside to play. A few minutes later, the boy comes running inside and yells, “Mommy Mommy I found your sponge!”

“You did?” she asked

“Yeah Mommy, the neighbor girl is using it to wash dad’s face!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Question: What did George Washington say before crossing the Delaware?

Answer: Get in the boat, men…

One day, there was a woman cooking breakfast and listening to the radio. All of the sudden a voice breaks in and says, “A circus train was going through town when it wrecked and all the animals escaped. If you see one of them, please contact the police department immediately.”

Well, she didn’t think anything about it and went on with her morning.

A little later, she was washing the dishes and looked out the window and there was an elephant in her garden.
Having never seen an elephant before, she was scared to death. She called the police and said, “HELP! There is a big grey thing in my yard.”

The police officer replied, “Well, what is it?”

She said, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen one before.”

The police officer said, “Well what does it look like?”

She said, “It is big and grey, I don’t think it has a face, and it has two tails. And it is using one of them to pull up my cabbages!!!”

The police officer said, “Well what is it doing with them?”

She replied, “I don’t think you would believe me if I told you.”

your mamma so fat every time she turns around it is her birthday.

your mamma so fat she has more chins than china town.

your mamma is so fat she has her own zip code.

your mamma is so fat that when she goes to get her shoes shined she has to take their word.

your mammas so fat that when she goes to the beach she is the only one who gets a tan.

GASMS

Sex on the carpet: Floorgasms

Sex in the entryway: Doorgasms

Sex on the golf course: Foregasms

When you can’t get enough sex: Moregasms

Sex with an uninteresting person: Boregasms

A menage-a-quatre: Fourgasms

Sex with a prostitute: Whoregasms

Sex with Tipper and Al: Goregasms

Sex with honey and hot fudge: Pourgasms

Sex at the mall: Storegasms

Sex in a rowboat: Oargasms

Remembering sex when you were younger: Beforegasms (also known as yoregasms)

“Facial” sex: Poregasms

Sex with dessert (or, sex AS dessert!): S’moregasms

When you have to beg for it: Imploregasms

When you do it again and again and again: Plentymoregasms

When it’s with the person you love best: Adoregasms

Sex with a French person: PetitsFourgasms

Sex with a Scandinavian person: Smorgasborgasms

And, perhaps my favorite: When the man falls asleep immediately afterwards? SNOREGASMS!!!!

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his sex organ covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctors replies, “Well that’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll now more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his member and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. No need to opulate!”

“Oh thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeky. It gonna fall off by itself!”

A police officer was interviewing a young recruit. “If you’re driving at night,” the officer asked, “and you’re being chased by a gang of criminals going sixty miles an hour, what would you do?”

The applicant replied, “Seventy!”