Jokes News

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth,
so I bought 200 of them.
I took my 200 monkeys home.
I have a big car.
I let one of them drive.
His name was Sigmund.
He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
I laughed.
They punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.

When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into the third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: They all died.
No apparent reason.
They all just sort of dropped dead.
Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room;
on the bed,
in the dresser,
hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn’t work.
It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.
That worked for awhile,
that is, until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.

I tried to burn them,
but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and the odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.
I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn’t take it either.
I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution:
I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn’t quite know what to say.
They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals.
God, I like monkeys

Sex is now classified as a misdemeanor . . .

The more you miss, da meaner ya get!

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager happened to walk by and unplug the machine.

A beautiful young woman, looking quite disheveled, got onto a crowded bus. There was only standing room and she settled on a hang-strap in front of a young man facing her.

As the bus started to move, the young woman looked down at the young man and said “Excuse me, sir, I’m pregnant. Would you mind letting me sit down?”

“Of course not” said the young gentleman, jumping up. “Please have a seat.”

She was so pretty and had such a gorgeous figure that the young man could not help staring at her, but he was a bit puzzled.

“I don’t mean to be rude,” he said, “but how far along is your pregnancy?”

She looked at her watch. “About twenty minutes” she replied.

ENCOURAGEMENT

So your daughter’s a hooker
And spoiled your day.
Look on the bright side,
It’s excellent pay.

APOLOGY

My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
I looked at the tire,
Sorry about your cat.

GET WELL

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends.
Here’s a floral bouquet
and a box of Depends.

COMING OUT

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
Won’t that be a laugh
‘Cause you’re the new Head
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

CONDOLENCES

You totaled your Lexus
and still don’t know why.
Some people might say
It’s that case of Bud Dry.

CHEER UP

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But she’s well looked after,
She moved in with me.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

- How do men commit suicide??

- Jump from their ego to their IQ.

Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face. “Doctor,” he says, “You’ve got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?”

“Yes,” the doctor replies.

“Well, they’ve suddenly gone away,” Murray says.

“So, what’s the problem?”

“I think I’m going deaf.”

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your jack-o’-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin pi