Jokes News

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse, and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Excuse me, Sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I couldn’t help admiring your faith!”

Q: What’s the generic form of Viagra?

A: My-dix-ah-phyllen

Just in case we need any additional proof that the “bozo index” is at all time highs (and going higher), consider these for-real label instructions on consumer goods:

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On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s just a suggestion!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t that save more time?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(Or pets! What’s for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Really???)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(I’m glad they cleared that up…)

On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a great bike?” asked the first. The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”

The second engineer nodded approvingly. “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Yo mama so stupid she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain.

1. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food… She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. ”
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2. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?”
She said, “Some where I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
—————–
3. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and
electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.
———————–
4. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
“No, jump in!” said the truck driver.
——————-
5. One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, “Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?”
In one voice they all replied, “You, daddy.”

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are three shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture, its title says, “Got Milk.”

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled, “Forgot Milk.”

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled, “Not Milk.”

Hubby: “You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?”

Wife: “When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at your picture and the problem seems to disappear.”

Hubby: “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!”

Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself: ‘What other problem can there be that is greater than this one?’ Nothing like getting the proper perspective on a problem, don’t you agree?”

Q: What starts with F and ends with U C K

A: Fire truck

U.S. journalist and politician Horace Greeley was renowned for his illegible handwriting. He once wrote a note to a member of his staff on the New York Tribune, dismissing him for gross negligence of duty.

Meeting Greeley several years later, the journalist told his former chief how useful his note of dismissal had proved. “I took it with me,” he said. “Nobody could read it, so I declared it a letter of recommendation, gave it my own interpretation, and obtained several first-class situations by it. I am really very much obliged to you.”