Jokes News

A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. He noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes–they were gone.

He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck.
Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman whom the carpet belonged.
“Have you seen my cat fluffy?” she asked

This old man walks into bar and sits down. He orders a drink from the bartender. After a while, he calls the bartender over. He says to the bartender ” I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that I can bite my own eye. The bartender looks strangely at the man and says ” Old man, you are crazy. There is no way in hell that you can bite your own eye,” so he slams down a hundred dollar bill. The old man prodeeds to take out his dentures, bite his eye, takes the money and walks to the bathroom laughing hysterically.

After a minute, he comes back and sits down at the bar again. The bartender is really angry at this guy. The old man calls him over again and says “Look man- I’m sorry about that. You didn’t know I had false teeth. I’ll give you a chance to win your money back. I’ll bet you two hundred dollars that I can bite my own eye without taking out my false teeth.” The bartender thinks for a second, and then says “Old man, you’re on. There is no way you can bite your eye now.” and slams down two one hundred dollar bills. The Old man then takes out his glass eye, bites it, and puts it back in the socket, laughs, and walks back to the bathroom.

He comes back after a while, and sits down at the bar. The bartender is really pissed now, so he is ignoring the man except for setting his drinks down in front of him. The old man calls him over one last time.

“What do you want now!” says the bartender.

He replies, ” Go put a shot glass on the other end of the bar. I’ll bet you 5 hundred dollars that I can stand on this end of the bar, piss all the way over into that shotglass and not miss a drop.”

Bartender grabs 5 hundred dollars, sets the shotglass down and says, “No way in hell, ol man, You’re on.” The old man stands up on the bar and starts to take a piss. Piss flies everywhere … on the bar, the bartender, the floor, and not one drop goes into the shotglass. The bartender grabs his money, starts to laugh at the old man, and then noticed that the old man was laughing even harder than he was. He says, “Why the hell are you laughing old man- You just had to pay me 5 hundred dollars!”

The old man looks at the bartender and points to a guy in the corner. “You see that guy over there?” he asks.

“Yeah, what about him?”

“Well,” the old man replies, ” I just bet him a thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d be happy about it!”

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant’s owner waited nervously for the clerics’ reactions.

“Quick, Man,” he whispered to the waiter, “what did they say?”

“Nothing,” replied the waiter. “They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.”

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

“No!” yelled the farmer, “Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they’re delicious! They’re called Sheep Fries!”

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days….and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she replied, “It’s the strangest thing! When that French guy came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!”

Here are the Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

One day, Jesus and his disciples were walking down the streets of Heaven and Jesus tripped over a old Man.

He asked the old man what was the matter. He said when he was alive on earth, he had a son.

So Jesus asked him to describe his son. He said that he is very polite and has holes in his hands and feet.

” Father ?!” Jesus said.

The old man looked up and said ” PINOCCHIO?!!!”

Most people want to die in their sleep. Not me. When I’m 100 years old I want to be slowly beaten to death by a pair of really big hooters.
Final answer!!!

Barbie’s Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa:

Listen, you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it) So, here’s my holiday wish list for 1999.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man… maybe GI JOE. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. What’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted wiith a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie,”sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

Ken’s Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken,” “Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Out Of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: “S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken,”"Bear Ken,” “Master Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

As for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.

Barbie can forget about having Joe -he’s mine, at least that’s what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “what’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”

“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

A teacher in class one day was asking students what they did at recess. First, she called on a little white boy named Timmy and asked him. He replied, “I played in the sand box”. The teacher said, “Good, now if you can spell ’sand’ I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie”. He did and he received his reward.

Next, the teacher called on a litte white girl named Suzy and asked her what she did. She said “I played in the sand box with Timmy”. The teacher said, “Good now if you can spell ‘box’ I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie”. She spelled it and received her cookie.

Finally the teacher called on Billy, a little black boy and asked him what he did. He said, “I tried to play in the sand box with Timmy and Suzy but they threw rocks at me and I had to run away”.

The teacher then said, “Why that sounds like blatant racial discrimination…Now Billy if you can spell ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie”