Jokes News

A man walks into Wal-mart and asks if they have any bait. No we do not sir but if you find any it’s called Wal-mart bait. O-k. Well, thank you any way.

He walks into K-mart and asks if they have any bait. No we don’t sir but if you find any it is called K- mart bait.

So the man goes to Eye masters and asks if they have any bait. Yes we do sir it’s right over there in that corner. See it? Um, do you see that eyemaster bait over there? Well sir, I masturbate in my bed room on the bed with my body.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’”

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

Hershel Ostropolier (a Jewish wit of the 17th century) is walking home one Friday afternoon, taking a shortcut through the forest. A bandit, brandishing a pistol, jumps out and says, “Give me your money or I’ll shoot you dead!”

Hershel pleads with the man, “My wife will never believe that I’ve been robbed. She’ll think I just spent the money in a tavern. She’ll kill me if you don’t!”

The robber replies, “That’s no difference to me. Give me your money or I’ll certainly kill you.”

Hershel hands the robber his wallet and says, “Well, I guess I have no choice. But could you at least make it so my wife will believe me?”

Hershel holds open his coat. “Shoot a hole in my coat.” This seems reasonable to the robber, and he does so.

Hershel looks, shakes his head, and says, “Oy, what was I thinking! That side is already so tattered, you can’t even tell there’s a bullet hole there. Here, please, shoot a hole in the other side where it isn’t so shabby.” The robber again obliges.

Hershel looks, takes off his hat, and says, “That’s good, now let’s really make the story stick–shoot a hole in my hat, too!”

The robber says, “I have had enough of this foolishness. Besides, I’ve used all my bullets to make your story convincing already.”

Hershel replies, “You’ve used all your bullets?”

So he takes his walking stick, pummels the robber senseless, retrieves his wallet, and goes on his way.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m bottomless.”

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I dunno! I thought YOU were watching!”

“All right, you bastards, fall in — on the double!” barked the sergeant, as he strode into the barracks. Each soldier grabbed his hat and jumped to his feet, except one — a private who lay in his bunk, reading a book.

“WELL?” roared the sergeant.

“Well,” observed the private, “there certainly were a lot of them, weren’t there?”

A man is in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walks into his room. The nun is there to cheer the sick. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children.

“My, my,” says the nun. “13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you.”

“I’m sorry, Sister,” he says. “I am not Catholic. I’m Jewish.”

“Jewish!” exclaims the nun. “You sex maniac, you !!!”

Why don’t cowboys make good lovers?

They think 8 seconds is a great ride.

once there was these 3 guys Bob, Dan, and Steve and they were walking down the street when all of a sudden POOF…they’re in hell.

Satan: Now guys, I’m just fuckin with ya’als. tell you what, you show me your cocks and I will send you back to earth in a vehicle according to the size of your cocks.

Then all three men are back up on earth, Bob is in a stretch limo, then Dan comes driving by in a bug laughing his head off.

Bob: Dan, what the fuck you laughin at? I’m in a limo and you’re in a bug!!!

Dan: Yeah, but I just saw Steve go by on a skatebaord!!!

What do farmers and gays have in common?

They both have shit on their rubbers.