Jokes News

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one
day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked”What’s so funny,Pat?”
“I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom” she yells,”I don’t want to see
you for three days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to
title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks,”What’s so funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters!”

Again, she yells,”Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is
more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.

“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend suggested that he go to the doctor and see what he could do to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor. The doctor told him to drop his pants, and he would have a look. The midget did this, and the doctor put him up onto the examining table and proceeded to look for the trouble.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did. “Ah!” mumbled the doc, putting his finger under the right one and asking him to cough again. When he did, the doctor said, “Ahhh!”

He then reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, on the right side. Snip, snip, snip on the left side. When he finished, he told the midget to pull up his pants to see if he still had the problem.

The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc’s office, and his testicles were not aching. “What did you do, Doc?” he asked.

The doc replied, “I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.”

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here
in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife
appears out of nowhere.”

A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.”

Top 10 Signs You’re Burnt Out…

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.” 9. You’re best friend calls to ask how you’ve been and you immediately scream, “Get off by back, BITCH!”
8. Your garbage can is you’re “in” box
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care
6. You have so much on you’re mind that you’ve forgotten how to pee
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday
4. You sleep more at work than you do at home
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase
2. Your day-timer exploded a week ago
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now

Whats the difference between your dick and your paycheck?

You dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

There was this guy who went to the doctor and said, “Doc, I have this bad stuttering problem, because of this, I can’t get no women and so I can’t get no pussy.” (saying every word in a stuttering mode)

So the doctor checks him and finds the cause of his stuttering. He says, “Your penis is at least 15 inches and it’s so heavy that it’s pulling on the muscles of your tongue. That’s the cause of your stuttering.”

So the studdering man arranges surgery, having the doctor cut 12 inches off.

After the surgery, the man returns to the hospital to tell the doctor of all his luck with the women. But, there was just one draw back.

“Doc, the surgery was a success with my new voice, I get all the women, but I have a problem with the way my sex performance goes. My penis is so small I can’t satisfy anyone.

“Can I have at least 5 more inches added to my dick?”

…And the doctor replies….

…” F-fff -uu -ccck Yoo-uuuuu..(said in a stuttering way)

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner says, “How about a cat?”

The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and…
it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He’s absolutely
amazed.

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.

45 minutes later… still no centipede!

He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?

Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it … and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd, leading his flock, decided to take a shortcut across the rink.

The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

“Look at that,” remarked Bill to Dale. “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”

Know what’s gross?

While sitting on grandpa’s lap, he gets a boner.

Know what’s grosser than gross?

When grandpa stands up and you’re still sitting on his lap.