Jokes News

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”

The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”

“Yes I do!”

“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”

“Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”

“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”

“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.”

“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.”

“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”

“Well, then I pick up some of the crap that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”

“Well, what if there ain’t no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, you can bet there’s going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage!”

5. “Hey baby let’s play house, you can be the screen door and I will slam you all day”

4. “Is that a mirror in your pants because I can already see myself in them.’

3. “Let’s play army, you be the good guy and I will be the bad guy and you can blow me away.”

2. “How do you like your eggs…Scrambled, Over-Easy or Fertilized.”

1. “What has 20 teeth and holds back a Tiger? …My Zipper!!!”

Q. What do you call two dumb blonds in a freezer?

A. Frosted flakes

A man was digging in his garden, when he came across a rare lamp. He was rubbing it, when a genie pops out and tells him, “You will be granted three wishes for letting me out of my lamp. But I warn you, whatever you wish for, your enemy will get double.”

So it just happens that his worst enemy is his next-door neighbor. So the man thinks and says, “I wish I had a ten-story mansion!” So he gets his mansion immediately, but a minute later, he finds out that his neighbor got a twenty-story mansion!

So the man starts thinking again and he says, “I wish I had a million bucks!” Immediately, a million dollars fall from above. But when he looked at his next-door neighbor’s lawn, he saw two million dollars piled on his front yard.

So this man starts thinking real hard and finally, he yells, “I wish I could lose a testicle!”

Question: Do you know why men fart more then women?

Answer: Women don’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Three famous explorers, Dr. Smith, Dr. Doe and Dr. Jones, were on an anthropological excursion into the deepest jungle of Borneo when they were captured by a tribe of head-hunting cannibals. When the three captive explorers were brought into the village, the cannibals’ chief told them, “You all trespassers! We no like trespassers. We eat trespassers. But we very fair. You three take test first. If you pass test, you go away alive. But if you fail, you lose head and be big feast for village. Now go to jungle and pick ten of the same fruit. You choose any fruit. Bring fruit back to village.”

So the three explorers under heavy guard set out in different directions into the jungle to select the fruit of their choice.

Dr. Smith was the first explorer to return to the village with ten pieces of banana. When he presented the bananas to the chief, the chief said, “Now test begin. Take off clothes and bend over. We push ten bananas up your ass one by one. If you keep quiet while we push banana up ass, you pass test. But if you make noise, you fail test and die.” So Dr. Smith did as he was told and prepared himself for the bananas being pushed up his ass. When the first banana was pushed up his ass, Dr. Smith tried hard to keep quiet. But he could not stand the second banana being pushed up his ass that he let out a pained “Aaargh!” His head was quickly chopped off and his body was thrown into a large vat of boiling water.

Just then, the next explorer to return was Dr. Doe who was carrying ten pieces of wild strawberries. The chief explained the mechanics of the test to Dr. Doe. When the first seven strawberries were being pushed up his ass, Dr. Doe was very still. However, when the eighth strawberry was being pushed up his ass, Dr. Doe inexplicably laughed out loud whereupon he lost his head and his body was thrown into the large vat of boiling water.

When Dr. Doe arrived at the pearly gates, he was greeted by Dr. Smith who said, “Hey you almost got it made. Why did you have to laugh your head off like that?”

Dr. Doe explained, “Sorry about that, old chap. I just can’t help myself. I just saw old Jones coming back with ten large pineapples.”

Why did Bill Clinton start playing the Saxophone?

He had to get rid of ho-Monica

Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary explained in her letter of resignation:

“Dear Boss: My reason for leaving will soon be apparent — and so will I. Signed: Mary.”

A blonde woman named Ashley finds herself in dire trouble. Her business
has gone bust and she’s iin serious financial straits. She’s so desperate
that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if
I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let
me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes and she does not win.

Ashley again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my
business, my house and now I’m going to lose my car.” Lotto night comes
and Ashley still has no luck.

Once again, she Prays… ” Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I’ve
lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don’t
often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life
back in order.”

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Ashley is confronted by the voice of God himself…

“Ashley, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.” >>

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”