Wit Jokes - page 272

A Good Deed

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.” “Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him…

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Are You Ready to Have Children?

Mess Test :Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fishstick behind the TV and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Buy a 55-gallon drum of Lego. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house and stairways. Put on a blindfold and remove your shoes and socks. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake the child at night.…

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Tommy and the Teacher

One day in school, Tommy’s teacher asked him some questions. “Tommy, do you see the green grass outside?” “Yes” Tommy said. “Do you see the tree outside?” “Yes.” “Now go outside. Then look up and see if you see the sky.” Tommy went outside, and looked up. He came back inside and the teacher continued to ask questions. “Tommy, did you see the sky?” “Yes.” “Did you see God?” “No.” “Then therefore God does not exist, right?” A little girl…

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Trading Goods

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. “Well, my wife ain’t home. She’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested. Then the…

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Birds and Cones

Little Johnny was sitting in the class, Miss Jones asked him, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?” “None”, Johnny replies. The teacher, astonished, asked Johnny to explain “Well,” Little Johnny replies, “The sound of the gunshot will scare the other birds and they will fly away.” The teacher responded, “The correct answer is 4, but I appreciate your way of matured thinking, maybe you are right”. Little Johnny then…

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I’ll show you how to do it

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: ‘Can your dog perform other tricks?’. ‘But of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman’. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation…

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Attitude

The newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the big burly husband tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on”. She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers”, she said. “That’s right”, said the husband, “and don’t you forget it. I’m the man and I wear the trousers in this family!” With that she flipped him her…

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Will the REAL media please stand up!

Although the today’s joke was submitted “anonymously”, we at Comedy.com suspect that Bill O’Riely may have submitted it. If so, thanks Bill! Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog’s collar and twisted it, breaking the dog’s neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview…

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Select-A-Bra

A man walked into the Ladies Department of Macy’s. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.” “What type of bra?” asked the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?” “Look around,” said the sales lady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. “Actually, even with all this variety, there are really only four types…

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