Ups Jokes - page 15

wackiness in the workplace

“How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part I” ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during he meeting. During the meeting, eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be “[email protected]” Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her…

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The Cowboy’s Guide to Life

Don’t squat with your spurs on. Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a raindance. The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is t’ swaller. Iffin you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. Iffin it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t. It don’t take no genius…

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Hot Scoop

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this “King of the Jungle” and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in…

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Two Worms

Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, “What kind of a day is it, I wonder.” The other worm says, “You know, I don’t know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out.” The first worm says, “That’s a good idea. Why don’t you do that.” So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first…

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Monopoly Fun Facts

Warning: Some of these facts may have expired. Was written in 1995. Also, this is VERY long, but PLEASE read it all… Q. What was the longest MONOPOLY game ever? A. 70 days Q. How many little green houses have been built since the MONOPOLY game began? A. Approximately 5.1 Billion Q. What is the longest MOMOPOLY game ever played upside down? A. 36 hours Q. What’s the most frequently rolled number with the dice? A. 7 Q. What’s the…

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Easy Way Of Writing Home

Dear Parent(s), I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us. Please send: __ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______ __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________ __ Clean clothes! Relationships: __ What? __ I am in love with myself __ I am in love! __ I am engaged __ I got married last weekend My Roommate: __ Worships the ground I walk on __ Gave me a black eye __ Committed suicide…

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The State of the Union

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN: “Members of Congress…people of America…I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they…

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Airline Terms

As you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work has it’s own unique set of terminology. The following are some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions. PASSENGER – A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a “line.” This “line” has no set pattern and…

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Nice Guy Test

The Nice Guy 1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date? A. I wear my church clothes B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman D. I’m late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it’s a sixpack of beer E. I take a knife 2.”Women are special.” Is this statement true? A. Yes,…

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Some abbreviations for the Chatrooms

\_/ \_/………………..Soda (~~)? (~~)3…………Coffee mugs (_)?……….Tea cups (fine china) [%]D..Hot cocoa w/mini marshmallows (#$#$#$#$#$).Plate of hash browns and onions [:::] [:::]………Poptarts for all (sgeg)===……Pan of scrambled eggs >> @–>–>– ……………….A rose ())))___crayola___)))>…..Crayolas (::waving::)……………..Waving {{{screen name here}}}…..Personal Cyber hugs {{{ }}}…………..Lots of Hugs 🙂 …………………….Smile or :o) ……with round nose (:D) ………………….Big Grin :o…………………….Surprised :O………………REALLY Surprised :D……………..Laughing/smiling :oD…………………..with nose :+ or :o+………………Kiss :* or :o*………………Whistle 😉 or ;o)………………Wink 😡 or :ox…….My lips are sealed }:(……………………..Mad 🙁 or :o(………………Frown :'( or :,(…

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