Ups Jokes - page 11

Elvis Returns

Father O’Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married, and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So he decides to go to the United States before he is too old to enjoy it. He hops on a plane bound for Nevada. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “ELVIS!…

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68 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clock to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing football; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, “I need some…

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Doctor’s Office

Herman is walking up to a doctor’s office when a nun comes running out screaming. Herman walks in and says, “What’s with the nun?” The doctor says, “I just told her that she’s pregnant.” Herman says, “The nun is pregnant?” The doctor says, “No, but it certainly cured her hiccups.”

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Lil’ Johnny’s Thanksgiving

Lil’ Johnny’s parents were fighting. There were screaming, crying, and cussing. Johnny’s mom called his dad a bastard. Johnny’s dad called his mom a bitch. Finally, they broke it up and apologized, although both of them were still a little steamed. His dad went upstairs to the bathroom. His mom stayed in the kitchen to cook the turkey. Lil’ Johnny went upstairs to the bathroom. His father was in there shaving. He asked his dad: “Dad, what does bitch mean?”…

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Slipping memories

Two ladies have played bridge together for years, nay decades. Naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, “Now, dear, I know that we’ve known each other for many years, but please don’t be angry or upset by this–could you please tell me your name? I’m trying to remember, but I just can’t bring it to mind.” The other lady glares at her…

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Why Cucumbers are Better than Men

The average cucumber is at least six inches long Cucumbers stay hard for a week A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count Cucumbers don’t get too excited A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety Cucumbers are easy to pick up You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home Cucumbers can get away any weekend With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check…

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The Little Blue Smurf

A little blue smurf walked into a bar and hit his hand on the bar. The bartender then put a beer in front of the smurf and carried on making drinks for the others at the bar. A biker noticed but didn’t say anything. About five minutes later, the smurf jumped on the bar and took a swig of his beer. The biker laughed, and the smurf stared at him. The little blue creature then ran down the bar, stuck…

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Snow White Peep Show

One day Snow White was going upstairs to take a shower and the seven dwarfs decided that they would go outside and stand one on top of each other’s shoulders to build a ladder and look into the window. They told the guy on top to tell them everything that’s happening and they would pass it down the line to the others. Suddenly, the top dwarf whispers, “She’s taking off her shirt..” The other dwarfs repeat, “Taking off her shirt”,…

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The Rules

1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all the rules. 4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female appears to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male…

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