Ual Jokes - page 55

Hubby’s amazement

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear. “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see…

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Thank You Note

A Junior High School in Memphis, Tennessee sponsored a luncheon for the residents of a senior citizens home. The principal of the school received the following Thank You note. * * * Dear Reyer School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens’ luncheon. I’m 94 years old and live at the Memphis County Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I…

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Bad Breath/Stinky Feet

Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone. When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrasing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach…

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Clinton And The Pope

Former President Bill Clinton and Pope John Paul II both die on the same day, and by some error, the Pope gets sent to hell, while Bill Clinton goes to heaven. Eventually, it’s been learned that there’s been a mistake. So Clinton has to get on the down escalator going from heaven to hell, while the Pope goes on the up escalator from hell to heaven. (Of course it’s an escalator.) Clinton sees the Pope and says, “Your Excellency, how…

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Black Sheep

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent…

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ADVENTUROUS GIRL

One evening, Charlie was feeling pretty light-headed from a couple of boilermakers when he rang the bell of the most expensive cat-house in town. “How ya doin’”, he said when the madam answered the door. “I want your mos’ adventurous girl.” The madam ushered him inside and sat him down. “You have to be a little more specific”, she said. “What do you mean by ‘adventurous’?” “Well when I’ve had a couple a lil drinks, sometimes I have a tough…

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The Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers) Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual…

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Bad Dog!

Jim loved his new dog until it started bringing home things from all over the neighborhood — things like shoes and hats and kids’ toys — nothing that was that big of a deal. Except for one day the dog brought home a dead rabbit. Jim was shocked later when he found out that the rabbit actually belonged to his neighbor, Sandy, who was at work. Jim took the dead rabbit, washed it and fluffed up its fur and then…

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50 ways to annoy your roomate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.…

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You’re Only As Old As She Feels

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks…

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