Ual Jokes - page 13

Hot & Sweaty

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband’s exam, the doctor then said to him, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?” “In fact, I do,” said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife…

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Women’s Clever Answers To Pick-Up Lines

Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.” Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?” Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man: “Your place or mine?” Woman: “Both. You go to your place and I’ll go to mine.” Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.” Woman: “No thanks. There’s…

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Millennium Software (MYASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as “Millennium Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a…

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Things you wish you could say at work

Subject: phrases you wish you could say at work 1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again… 2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try…

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Tips on Becoming a Serious Computer Gamer

Tips on becoming a serious Computer Gamer. -Written by residents of the Arizona mental health facility. 1. Ignore all family and friends: They will only get in the way. The computer is your friend, your mentor, and your leader. Try giving it a name, and draw a face on it for personality. 2. Become totally immersed in the world of games: When you can’t remember if your algebra homework was to finish page 30 in the book, or rescue the…

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Hillbilly Cop

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he’s wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff’s desk and says to the sheriff,”I’m hear to be a deputy.” The sheriff laughs and says, “Well lets see if you’re qualified, son.” The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The sheriff says, “Close enough.” The sheriff then asks him,…

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Helpful Man

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn’t usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I’ve ever helped out of a ditch”. “But I’m not pregnant,” she says. “Well you’re not out of the ditch…

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Daddy, where did I come from?

“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” her father asked. “Not really,” the little girl said. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want…

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Useful Work Phrases

How about never? Is never good for you? I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I like you. You remind me of when I was…

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The American Plan

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, “Only a little while, Senor”. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican fisherman replied that he…

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