Tree Jokes - page 7

Two old men, with very bad limps, were walking down the street in opposite directions. The first old man, who was practically dragging his leg behind him, came up to the second old man and said proudly into his ear “Japan WW2 1943” -referring to how he received his injury- The second old man then whispered back in a soft voice, “Dog Shit – 5 minutes ago”

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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In…

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One day, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking down the street when they came across an old lamp. The Newfie picked it up and gave it a good rub. Lo and behold, out popped a genie. The genie said, “I’ve been imprisoned in that lamp for 2000 years and since you have released me, I will give each of you one wish.” The Newfie thought about it for a minute and said, “Well, my granfather was a…

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I was working in a wall street investment bank about 10 years ago when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new sofware system. My colleague, Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password, “Penis.” We nearly died laughing when the computer issued the following reply to his choice of passwords: ***PASSWORD REJECTED! TOO SHORT.***

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An armless man walks into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He orders a drink, and when he is served, asks the bartender if he will get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliges him. He then asks if the bartender will tip the glass to his lips. The bartender does this until the man finishes his drink. After this, he asks the bartender if he will get…

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One day there was three birds sitting on a tree branch trying to figure out which way to fly for winter. Mommy bird said,”my insticts tell me to fly north for winter”. Daddy bird said,”my instincts tell me to fly south for winter”. Baby bird said,”well my end-stinks too, but I still don’t know where to go!”

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A grandmother was telling her granddaughter what her own childhood had been like . . . “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, “Gramma, I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

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One day a mouse came upon an elephant in the jungle who had gotten a thorn in its foot. The mouse felt sorry for the elephant, and pulled the thorn out. The elephant was indeed grateful, and offered the mouse anything it wanted in return for the good deed. The mouse, noticing that the elephant was female, and feeling rather randy at the time, said: “Well, I’ve always wanted to fuck an elephant.” The elephant laughed and laughed, and said:”No…

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