Ting Jokes - page 8

Indian Mating Ritual

The Indian tour guide is explaining the re-enactment of an ancient Indian courting ritual. As they watch, an Indian brave approaches the mouth of a small cave, cups his hands to his mouth and calls out: “Ha-woo, ha-woo?” From the back of the cave comes a faint answering, feminine “Ha-woo! Ha-woo!” The Indian brave strips off his clothing and runs into the cave. A Pollock in the tour group gets an idea. He sneaks away, finds the biggest cave he…

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Telemarketing nightmare

One thing that has always bugged me is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: Me: Hello? AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T… Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T… Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes This is AT&T… Me:…

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Presenting Christmas Cheer

Three men die in a car accident. They all find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something that represents “Christmas.” The first man searches his pockets and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cookie, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, the angel asks, “How do these represent…

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Scouting in Canada

Dear Mom and Dad, Our scout master told us to write our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it all happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I…

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The Dating Game

There were 3 men in a bar talking about picking up women. One was very apprehensive about approaching women. One of the other men says, “It’s not that hard, watch me.” He walks up to a lady and says, “Your place or mine?” She says, “Mine,” and they leave. The second guys turns to the apprehensive one and says, “See that wasn’t too hard, now watch me.” So, he walks up to a lady and says, “Your place or mine?”…

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10 notes on Dieting

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do. 4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e.g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake. 5. If you fatten…

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Movie listing

Here’s the actual TV listing for the movie, “The Wizard of Oz” in a Marin County, California paper: “Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.”

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Knitting

A lady was riding a bicycle without holding the handlebars, and she was knitting at the same time. Soon she was noticed by a policeman. He took a megaphone and shouted: “Pull over!” “No, socks.” – was the answer.

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Getting Divorced for the Kids’ Sake

Morris calls his son in New York and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing Mama.” The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.” “But Dad, you just can’t decide to divorce…

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An illuminating Experience

A woman was on her way to her annual OB/GYN appt. She was running late, but wanted to freshen up a bit first, so she stopped by her daughter’s place instead of her own since it was closer. She ran into the bathroom, and ran through the customary touch-ups, and finished off with a little feminine deodorant spray. You know…for freshness. Anyway, her examination was pretty unremarkable with the exception of an odd comment the Dr. made at the beginning…

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