Time off Jokes - page 2

Drifting Off in Class

Sometimes, when I’m in class, I dream that I’m on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft, gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool, gentle breeze caressing my tanned body. I do all this while trying to forget I’m in a classroom. Of course, it would be so much easier if all my students weren’t waiting for…

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Sign Of The Times

These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny! In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.” Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.” In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On a maternity room door, “Push, Push,…

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10 things that piss me off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy…Where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? 2.The Pillsbury Dough Boy is way too happy…considering that he doesn’t have a dick!! 3.People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change it…

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One Time Only

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in North Dakota. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. “No, thanks,” says the plant manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn’t like it.” The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks. “No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn’t…

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What NOT to Say to a Police Officer

Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things best left unsaid. – Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 to keep up with me! Good job! – Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. – I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.…

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Bush in Office

December 30, 2004/Washington, D.C.(Associated Press) After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 Presidential Election yesterday. Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until January 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the undisputed winner of the 2004 Presidential Election, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton). Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an…

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Off Limits

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point,…

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Quality time with the family

There was this family of 3 brothers named Somebody, Nobody, Everybody, and their cousin Crazy. One night the four boys wanted to go out drinking at a bar. They all drank beer and were having fun. Everybody and Crazy had decided that they had all they wanted to drink. On the other hand, Somebody and Nobody still wanted to drink even though they were already drunk. As they continued to drink they started to say bad things to one another…

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