Tee time Jokes - page 5

Golfer’s Distraction

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first golfer was half way up his back swing, a good-looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went, until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods, he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was THAT about?!!!” “Take no…

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Best Emergency Room Stories

Believe Them…Or Not AUGUSTA, ME – Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick’s first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and,…

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Bushisms, pt 1

“I don’t want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace.” ?Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 23, 2000 “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”?LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000 “If I’m the president, we’re going to…

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Beep beep

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year- old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn’t get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. “Now look,” the doctor said, “the only way you’re going to get it up is to say “beep,” and then to get…

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Bad English

English in Non-English Speaking Countries! Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world: In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In…

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After the Whitehouse

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is William Jefferson Clinton and I’m the President of the United States. And right now I’m going trough some minor legal problems that you may or may not have heard about, and these legal problems are probably going to force me out of office sooner or later and that got me thinking the other day. When I’m out of office I’m going to need some sort of steady income to support my family,…

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Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half.” You’re never 36 and a half . . . You’re four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number.…

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Musings of the Elderly

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half.” You’re never 36 and a half….you’re four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?”…

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Murphy’s Laws Of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire. ( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called “Bomb Magnets.”) 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. (Trivia devotees will recall the sudden disappearance of rank and distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in…

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Guyness Quiz

Guyness Quiz Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a.…

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