Ted Jokes - page 212

Every morning the local farmer noticed someone had been in his watermelon patch during the night. Unable to stay up and catch them and unwilling to tolerate the constant loss, he put up a sign that said: WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH A STRONG POISON The next morning he went out to inspect his watermelon patch and found that his sign had been altered. It now said: WARNING! TWO OF THESE WATERMELONS HAVE BEEN INJECTED WITH…

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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. “Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.” POOF Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. “And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” POOF She turns into…

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This one bat returned from a long hard day’s work of collecting blood. Upon his return to the bat cave, he proceeded to hang from his perch whereupon a group of his friends noticed the blood from around his mouth. They approached him and continually badgered him to tell the others where he got that blood. Although he was exhausted, he finally agreed to show the other bats where he got the blood under the condition that the other bats…

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Zsa Zsa Gabor once appeared on a television program in which guest celebrities attempted to solve viewers’ conjugal problems. The first question came from a young lady: “I’m breaking my engagement to a very wealthy man who has already given me a sable coat, diamonds, a stove and a Rolls Royce. What should I do?” “Give back the stove,” advised Zsa Zsa. (It was Zsa Zsa who once claimed to be a good housekeeper. After each divorce, she kept the…

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I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in…

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A beautiful young woman, looking quite disheveled, got onto a crowded bus. There was only standing room and she settled on a hang-strap in front of a young man facing her. As the bus started to move, the young woman looked down at the young man and said “Excuse me, sir, I’m pregnant. Would you mind letting me sit down?” “Of course not” said the young gentleman, jumping up. “Please have a seat.” She was so pretty and had such…

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