Second time Jokes - page 16

Experimental Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists’ one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results…

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tracks

Once upon a time, three blondes went hunting in the forest. After a while they see some tracks. The first blonde says “hey look at these deer tracks!”. The second blonde looks at the tracks and says “no stupid those are wolf tracks!”. The third one looks at the tracks and studies them a little bit and says “you guys are both stupid, those are obviously bear tracks!”. Thats when they were hit by the train.

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Disgusting Records

Share your knowledge of these “world records” with your friends, relatives and associates during dinner: MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July, 1991. LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina. MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. (This isn’t all…

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Jeffery

Jeffery was a maintenance man for a big-time broadway production company. He was the guy who went around sweeping the floors after hours. One day, though, Jeffery was approached by one of the big time directors, a man dressed all in black, with a megaphone hung limply in his left arm. “Jeffery,” he said, “I have some news for you. We’re putting on a gigantic production about the Civil War tomorrow. One of my men came down with the flu…

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Facelift

A woman goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. “Well”, says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you will have to come back in six months for a follow-up.” “Oh no!” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.” The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your…

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Right Club for the Job

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies…”No matter what!!” On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive, and it ended up on the concrete cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, “Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies, remember? No matter what!” The first player tried to…

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Too drunk to crap

This drunk staggers into a men’s room in a busy bar. After a while a loud shrill scream came echoing out of the men’s room. A brief hush came over the bar then it went back to its noisy atmosphere. A few minutes passed and a second loud scream came from the men’s room. Not only was there a hush but people started to leave the bar murmurming with fear. Seeing this, the bartender went to the door of the…

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Aging

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,”Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can`t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can`t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one responded, “Well, I`m…

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The Doctor Says

The following are direct quotes taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians: By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had completely disappeared. She has had no shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.…

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Santa Claus: An engineer’s perspective

Santa Claus: An engineer’s perspective I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II.…

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