Real men Jokes - page 16

With Grandma’s Help

Little Jimmy was struggling with a homework assignment his 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Adams, had given her English class. Jimmy’s grandmother realized that the boy was having difficulty when she saw all the scrunched up papers around the kitchen table where he was working. “Having a problem with your homework, dear?” asked the sweet old lady. “I am, Grandma”, said Jimmy, dropping his pencil dejectedly on the table. “We’re supposed to make up a limerick and read it to the…

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Jewish Guy Wins Irish Sweepstakes

Long ago, when the Irish Sweepstakes was the big lottery game in the U.S., a Jewish gentleman won the sweepstakes and was overwhelmed, not so much with the amount of the winnings, but with the taxes he would have to pay. So this gentleman, named Morrie, went to his tax advisor and was told the best thing he could do would be to go to Ireland, live there for a year, establish residence and collect the entire sum, tax-free. Morrie…

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Endangered Meal

One day this guy is sitting on a park bench eating a bald eagle. A cop comes by and says..”Hey fella…What do you think you are doing? That is an endangered species! You can’t kill it and eat it!” The cop arrests him and takes him to jail… The next day he goes to court and the judge says, “Sir, do you realize that a bald eagle is an endangered species and you can spend up to 5 years in…

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Technology Organizational Chart

In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions . . . usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of…

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Titles Considered for Monica’s New Autobiography..

“I Suck at My Job” “What Really Goes Down in the White House” “How I Blew It in the White House” “Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President” “Clear and Present Boner” “Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule” “Going Back for Gore” “Podium Girl” “Secret Services to the President” “The Congressional Sutdy on White House Intern Positions” “Al Gore is in Command for the Next 30 Minutes” “How to Beat Off the Government” “Going Down and…

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Cattle Ranch

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. “It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.” She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office…

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Guyness Quiz

Guyness Quiz Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a.…

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Computer Help Desk Horror Stories

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter…

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Morning Sickness

Pregnant with our third child and experiencing morning sickness, I was resting on the living room couch. Workmen were doing some minor repairs in the house. As one walked by, I explained, “Don’t mind me. I’m in my first trimester.” “Oh,” he said. “What’s your major?” Realizing he didn’t know his biology and not wanting to embarrass him, I replied, “Oh, I guess you could say ‘Early Childhood Development.’”

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Don’t Plan Too Far Ahead

Approaching 85 years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York City and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida Realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at. “And this one, what a steal,” he rhapsodized, “the investment of a lifetime! Why, in ten years, it’s gonna be worth three times . . . .” “Sonny,” interrupted Mrs.…

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