Preacher Jokes - page 2

This Crazy English Language

The English language is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And…

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Little Johnny Curses

One Sunday at church, as little Johnny was leaving, the preacher heard him say a curse word. The preacher stopped him and said “Son, every time I hear you say a curse word, it sends chills down my spine.” “Well,” Little Johnny replied, “If you had been at my house yesterday when daddy slammed his finger in the door, you would be frozen!”

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A Desperate Plea For Help

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. “Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent,…

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paid to be good

A preacher was speaking to his congregation one Sunday. He was commenting that members of his congregation were patting him on the back and saying how good he was. He told them that he has to be good, he gets PAID for being good. Then he pointed to his audience and said, “But you all are good for nothing.”

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Swing the Cage

There was this preacher who was lonely and wanted a companion. So he decided to get a talking parrot. Upon the first day home the parrot says, “Swing the cage, swing the God damn cage.” Stunned and appalled, the preacher took the parrot back to the pet shop where he had bought the parrot. The preacher says to the pet shop owner, “I can’t have this bird cussing in my home I have other preachers and nuns that come to…

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WWJD?

By now, you’ve probably all seen the new “slogan” that’s gotten every preacher’s attention coast to coast: WWJD, or What Would Jesus Do…. Contemplating that very question, here are some possibilities: 1. Call his Dad. Find out why Dad and Mom never got married. 2. Have dinner with eleven close friends and the one guy he just doesn’t like. 3. Get some sleep. 4. Hang around for a while and catch some sun. 5. Get up early on Sunday, even…

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Through the eyes of a child…

Children’s Comments An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?” Children on Religion….. A mother…

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the 10 commandments

There’s this guy who forgets his coat somewhere and forgot where. He goes to the store and finds out a replacement coat cost $250 bucks. Astonished he goes to a church to sit and think what to do. He enters the church and hears the sermon going on. As he passes the coat rack he sees a coat identical to his own. He plots to wait for the end of the sermon then to make off with the coat. He…

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Asleep at Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem — my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?” “I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hat pin with you. I’ll be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in…

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Healing Power

One Sunday, a preacher was teaching his sermon. It was on “Healing”. At the end of the sermon, he asked the congregation if anyone needed to be healed today. A man came up, and the preacher asked him for his name. “J-J-Jon,” he replied. The preacher asked him what his problem was. “I…I…I…w-w-w-well…I-I…stu-stu-stu….I…st-stutter…a-a-lot.” “Okay,” the preacher said, “you just go over there behind that screen and we’ll pray for you in just a second.” The preacher turned to the congregation,…

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