Pig Jokes - page 7

Powerful Shit

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others…

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Spelling Mississippi

Two Italian men were sitting behind a woman on a bus. “Emma come first,” one of the men said to the other. “Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Denna two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come oncea more.” “You pigs,” the lady yelled. “In this country, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down, lady,” the one man said. “Imma justs tellun him…

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The Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight

A True Remarkable Occurrence: Two gangsters, James Gallo and Joe Conigliaro, set about to murder a stool pigeon, Vinny Ensulo, alias Vinnie Ba Ba, alias Vincent Ennsie. On November 1, 1973 they jumped him on Columbia Street, Brooklyn, and took him for a ride. Gallo pointed a gun at his head from the right, and Conigliaro covered him from the left. The car swerved violently. The two gangsters shot each other. The New York Daily News described the sequel: “Concigliaro,…

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Is That How It Really Happened?

Every night just before bedtime, Little Johnny listens to his father reading fairy tales. Having a deep sense of humor, his father usually ad-libs some parts of the fairy tales just for fun. One day, Little Johnny is in class listening to the teacher reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. The teacher reads, “… and the little pig met a man pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. So the little pig said to the man, ‘Excuse me, mister.…

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On a BAD day…

On one BAD day, 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his…

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Baby Boomers — Then and Now

Then: Killer Weed Now: Weed Killer Then: Being caught w/Hustler magazine Now: Being caught BY Hustler magazine Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint Then: Moving to California because it’s cool Now: Moving to California because it’s warm Then: Peace Sign Now: Mercedes Logo Then: OJ, cutting & slashing Now: OJ, cutting & slashing Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair Then: Acid rock Now: Acid…

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An Obnoxious Dinner Guest

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: “Is this pig?” Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: “Which end of the fork are you referring to?”

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Marital Bliss

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know…

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Useless facts

1.The us government spent 277,000 dollars on pickle research in 1993 2.There are 10 doctors in the us whose last name is Nurse. 3.When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle it travels at the speed of 25 miles per year. 4.State of union: The house where Thomas Jefferson wrote most of the declaration of independence was torn down and replaced with a hamburger stand. 5.If you are an average American you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a…

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Bubbles

Trial date: 3 pigs are brought before a judge, and are sworn in. The judge asks the first pig… “Why are you in trouble?” The first pig replies, “I was just blowing bubbles in the mud.” He asks the second pig.. “Why are you in trouble?” The second pig replies, “I was just blowing bubbles in the mud.” Finally, he asks the third pig… “Why are you in trouble?” And the third pig replies…. “Well, I’m Bubbles!”

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