Laugh for Fun - Funny, Blonde, Dirty, Women, Yo Mama Jokes
Laugh for Fun - Funny, Blonde, Dirty, Women, Yo Mama Jokes
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist…
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One day, a lonely woman bought a parrot to keep her company. The pet shop owner told her how to teach it to talk. The old woman thought it would be nice to have someone to pray with every night, so she taught it to pray. A few weeks later the woman’s priest came over and she was anxious to show off her parrot’s skills. She said to the priest, “Pull his right leg,” so the priest did. The parrot…
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Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout out all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight! Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. “What you need,” he said, “is a female parrot too. I don’t have one on hand but…
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A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and inquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot, which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want it to. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions: Man: “Do you speak English?” Parrot: “Yes.” M: Hablas Espanol?” P: “Si!” M” “parlez vouz Francaise?” P: “Oui!” M: “Sprechen sie Deutsch?” P: “Jawohl!” M:…
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Three Irishmen arrive at the local pet store in county Armagh and buy all the parrots and all the budgerigars in the shop. They stuff the birds into a bag and declare to the shop owner that they are off for an outdoor adventure. The shop owner is a bit concerned about why the three men would want so many parrots and budgees, so he waits until they are gone and follows them in his car. The Irishmen drive to…
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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee…
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1. Every time someone calls for a price check, start gobbling like a turkey and run up and down the aisle you’re in until someone asks you what’s wrong. When this happens, walk away passively, cursing under your breath that people are so weird these days. 2. When greeted with a friendly “hello” from your bag-boy, reply, repeating loudly: “No, my name’s not Fred!” while spinning around violently for 30 seconds straight. Try to walk out of the store in…
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1. Pick up cat and cradle it in your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from under table and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw…
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I think Santa Claus is a woman…. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time…
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A Pope died and went to Heaven and was met by St. Peter. St. Peter greeted him warmly and said, “Sir you have been such a good servant, We would like to offer you anything you want too make you feel at home”. The Pope said, “I have always thought I would like to drive through Heaven in a long white limousine”. St. Pete said, “I’m sorry, that’s the one thing that we can’t grant”. The Pope said, “I understand”…
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