Painting Jokes - page 3

Headlines

Subject: 40 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope…

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Whole Lotta Yo Mama

SO BIG Yo mama’s so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she can’t wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back. Yo mama’s so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama’s so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama’s so big, she uses bowling…

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Lenin In Poland

During the glorious days of communism, to commemorate the visit of the Soviet President Andropov to Poland, the head of the Polish Communist Party commissioned a popular Warsaw artist for an oil painting celebrating the historical visit of Lenin to Poland. The piece was to be entitled “Lenin In Poland.” Now this artist hated the Poland Communist Party and therefore also detested Lenin more so but since the pay was lucrative, he decided to accept the commission. Since there was…

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Cab Contradictions

Two cab drivers met. “Hey” asked one. “What’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?” “Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

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Wear Sunscreen!

What follows is the Commencement address that was thought to have been given by: Kurt Vonnegut recently at MIT **************************************** Turns out that he didn’t, but it got back to him, he read it, and said he wished that he had written it. Lenochka **************************************** Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’98: Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,…

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Art Appreciation

Jill goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Jill walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.” “I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist. Jill says, “Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

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Taxi Colors

Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “what’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?” “Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

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