Money money Jokes - page 35

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. BULIMIA: Retched excess. CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA:…

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One day Fred ran in to his old friend, John, and asked him why he never called anymore… John explained that he had lost his job and didn’t have much money, so he had to buy a defective phone. He got a great deal, but the only problem was that it didn’t have a 5 button on it. Fred said, “Wow, that’s really weird! I’ve never heard of a phone like that. So how long have you had it?” John…

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You and your teeth don’t sleep together. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, and you’re not eating cereal. Your back goes out but you stay home. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. When happy hour…

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This woman’s husband dies, and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, “How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke now?” The widow says, “Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And, of course, I had to make the…

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