Man and woman Jokes - page 42

Door-to-Door Drunk

There was a drunken man in a building complex, frantically knocking on people’s doors. A lady answered, “Who is it?” The drunk replied,”EXCUSE ME! IS YOUR HUSBAND HOME?” The lady replied from behind the door, “Yes he is, can I help you?” The drunk said, “No thanks!” When he knocked on the next door, a woman behind the door answered, “May I help you?” The drunk said,”EXCUSE ME, IS YOUR HUSBAND HOME?” The woman answered, “No, he’s not back from…

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Three Red Lights

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light”. After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again and…

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Retired hooker

A hooker has decided to retire after many years of service. She does not want to spend the remaining years of her life alone, so she decides she wants to get married. She had so many perverted man in the past that she wanted only a virgin male about her age to marry. She put out a worldwide ad in search of a virgin male around 55 years old. After a few months and thorough background checks she decided on…

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Parrot in a Church

One day a woman’s phone rang and it was her church preacher asking her to bring a pet to church. So on Saturday night, she went to the pet shop to buy a parrot to teach it to pray. She found one and bought it. She brought the bird home and tried to get it to talk, but it wouldn’t. The next day she woke up and got ready for church. She looked out the window and said, “God damit!…

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Truth about Creation

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious, comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create…

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Oh Whoops

An airoplane is about to crash land. The pilot yells over the intercom to the passengers to throw something out the window so that the crash won’t be as bad. A young irish blonde throws out a case o whisky, a big english bloke lobs out a case o cigs and an Iraq phsyco throws out a bomb. Five minutes later a women is walking along a street. She see’s a little girl crying. “What’s the matter dear?” she asks.…

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Golf lessons

A man and his wife took a golfing trip up to Minnosota. Neither of them did very good so they decided to go to golf lessons. The guy went first. The instrunctor told him to grip the clubs like he holds his wifes breasts. He swings and hits the ball 285 yards down the fairway. Then its the womans turn. The instructor tells her to hold the club like she holds her husbands penis. So she swings and hits the…

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In Your Dreams, Buddy

THE PERFECT WOMAN 1. I wanna swallow it all…I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink? 3. I’m bored. Wanna shave my pussy? 4. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5. That was a great fart. Do another. 6. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7. You’re soooo sexy when you’re hungover. 8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let’s subscribe…

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Punk Rocker

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency room, when a female punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had an acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading: “Keep off the…

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Law Abiding Citizen

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to…

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