Lunch Jokes - page 9

Two Missionaries In Hot Water

In the deepest jungles of Africa, two missionaries were seized by a tribe of hostile cannibals. The cannibals then stripped the missionaries of their clothing, hogtied them and threw them into a large vat of hot boiling water over an open fire with the intention of boiling them alive. As the missionaries kept praying for a miracle, one of them suddenly burst out laughing. This made the other missionary so confused by his companion’s sudden burst of laughter that he…

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Irate Employer

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nose boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman’s office. Since George, the foreman, wasn’t around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing. The young man yawned, scratched his head,…

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First Day of School

It was the first day of school and after lunch, the teacher, Miss Adams, was passing out candy treats wrapped in foil. She was then asking each child to identify what they had been given. When she came around to little Eddie, he could not name the Hershey ‘kiss’ he had received. “All right, Eddie”, said Miss Adams. “Here’s a hint. It’s something your daddy wants from your mommy when he gets home from work. Take a bite and tell…

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Rules For Women

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. 2. Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany. 3. Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he’s in diapers. 4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? SHUT THE DOOR! 5. So many men — so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. 6. If they put a man on the moon, we should be able…

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Waiter…. Oh Waiter!

Customer: Waiter! There is a fly in my soup! Waiter: Don’t worry sir, the spider in the bread will get it. Customer: Waiter! There is a spider in my soup! Waiter: Don’t worry! The frog should surface any moment now. Customer:Waiter, There’s another fly in my soup. Waiter: Now, there is a fly that knows some good soup. But if you insist I will get you the fly swatter. Customer: What is the fly doing in my soup? Waiter: It…

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Nightmares

A little boy woke up crying and ran to see his mother. “Mummy, Mummy. A voice came to me in my sleep. It said that my grandmother would die today.” The mother comforted him and told him not to worry, it was only a dream. But when he came home from school, he found his mum crying. She said that her mother had died a few hours ago. That night the voice returned. This time it said that the house…

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The Old Couple

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finished their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could…

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The 3 Wishes

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the…

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Feeling his Age

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and is very satisfied with the results. One day he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” he replies. “I’m actually 47!” the man says, feeling happy. After that he goes into McDonald’s for lunch, and asks the server the…

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Great Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe,…

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