Local call Jokes - page 4

DILBERT Quotes Contest Entries

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life managers. Here are the Top 12 finalists: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of…

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Glesga Wars

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF STAR WARS WAS SET IN GLASGOW? Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he’d only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He’d have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top. Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as Wanky-Nobby.…

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If Men Were In Charge Of Weddings…..

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” until the cops showed up. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part. The couple would leave the ceremony in…

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One Smart Blonde

Three blondes stranded on an island decide to go and have a contest to see who can swim the farthest. Well the first can only go 5 miles she got tired and slowly sank down, no more of her. The second blonde goes and got 18 miles and a shark came along and snagged her and took her under. The third blonde had sense and didn’t go. So then she goes to her purse and pulls out a cell phone…

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I Can’t Believe They Said That!

Dan Quayle: “potatoe” A Massachusetts politician was accused of attacking and cursing another politician during a local meeting. The first politician was quoted in the local paper, “I did not attack anyone or say a single cuss word, and anyone who says I did is a damn liar.” Bill Clinton in 1992: “I will have the most ethical administration in the nation’s history.” Romanian minister on homosexuality: “We can’t legalize homosexuality. Half of the country will become homosexuals.” Bill Clinton…

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Time, Please

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town, received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why this regularity. “I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time.” The operator giggled, “That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time we’ve been setting…

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Indian Mating Ritual

The Indian tour guide is explaining the re-enactment of an ancient Indian courting ritual. As they watch, an Indian brave approaches the mouth of a small cave, cups his hands to his mouth and calls out: “Ha-woo, ha-woo?” From the back of the cave comes a faint answering, feminine “Ha-woo! Ha-woo!” The Indian brave strips off his clothing and runs into the cave. A Pollock in the tour group gets an idea. He sneaks away, finds the biggest cave he…

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lucky!

A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies “I’ve always wanted to be lucky.” The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he…

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Whole Lotta Yo Mama

SO BIG Yo mama’s so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step. Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she can’t wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back. Yo mama’s so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama’s so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. Yo mama’s so big, she uses bowling…

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If MEN planned weddings

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” until the cops showed up. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part. The couple would leave the ceremony in…

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