Ing Jokes - page 521

Outdoor Irish Adventure

Three Irishmen arrive at the local pet store in county Armagh and buy all the parrots and all the budgerigars in the shop. They stuff the birds into a bag and declare to the shop owner that they are off for an outdoor adventure. The shop owner is a bit concerned about why the three men would want so many parrots and budgees, so he waits until they are gone and follows them in his car. The Irishmen drive to…

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Forty Below Zero

It’s forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, “You owe me quite a bit on your tab.” “Sorry,” says Pat, “I’m flat broke this week.” “That’s okay, says the bartender. “I’ll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.” “But,” says Pat, “I don’t want any of my friends to see that.” “They won’t,” says the bartender. “I’ll just…

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Lee and The Lady

Lee Trevino just finished golfing and went to the 19th hole for a drink. He sits down at the bar next to a rather attractive woman. After a few sips, he looks to the lady and noticing how lovely she is, starts talking to her. Soon, they end up in his hotel room, and are having a rather nice time in bed. After they finish, Lee gets out of bed and walks over to the phone and picks it up.…

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How old do I look?

George’s wife bought a new line of expensive costmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before mirror, applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly now, what age would you say that I look like I am, if you didn’t know my real age?” Looking her over carefully, George replied, “Judging from you skin, 20; your hair, 18; your figure, 25. “Oh, you flatterer! Do you really think I look that young?” she cooed. “Hey,…

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I’m Fine, Thank You! (poem)

There is nothing the matter with me. I’m as healthy as I can be. I have arthritis in both of my knees And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin. But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in. Arch supports I have for my feet Or I wouldn’t be able to be on the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning, I find I’m all…

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Football

Football…. An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says “seven points.” His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?” The old man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 7 to nothing. “A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie, score.” After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I’m ahead…

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MEGA NOVICE #3

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer rather badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape?

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On Again, Off Again

A man from Arkansas and a man from New York bought a business together in Little Rock. The guy from Arkansas had an apartment across the street from the store, but the guy from NY lived out of town. The fellows had bought a new flashing neon sign, which they turned off each night at midnight when they closed their business, in order to save money. One morning around 1 a.m., the NY fellow called his partner from Arkansas and…

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