Ing Jokes - page 516

ON THE BUS

A beautiful young woman, looking quite disheveled, got onto a crowded bus. There was only standing room and she settled on a hang-strap in front of a young man facing her. As the bus started to move, the young woman looked down at the young man and said “Excuse me, sir, I’m pregnant. Would you mind letting me sit down?” “Of course not” said the young gentleman, jumping up. “Please have a seat.” She was so pretty and had such…

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Gallantry in Bulk

British essayist, novelist, critic and poet, G. K. Chesterton was an imposing figure in height and weight. His vast bulk afforded him certain consolations. He once remarked that it gave him an opportunity for gallantry. “Just the other day in the Underground I enjoyed the pleasure of offering my seat to three ladies.”

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Safe Cross Code

These two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman. The first drunk pipes up, “Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet.” To which the policeman replies “Of course it has. It’s 4:00 in the morning.” The second drunk then weighs in and says, “Sorry, sir, but…

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Monica’s new job

Monica Lewinsky got a new job with Coca-Cola, as a packager and taste-tester. To commemorate her new position (which wasn’t on her knees), she bought a new dress for her Mother and both of them went down to the Potomac River, to celebrate. While there, the two of them had an argument and Monica actually tried to drown her Mother in the Potomac River. When a police officer showed up to rescue Monica’s Mother, Monica punched him in the mouth.…

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Another white baby

A newfie and a black man were both admiring their newborn babies at the hospital nursery. The newfie looks at the black guy and says, “Can I ask you a question?” The black guy says sure so the newfie says, “This is our 2nd child. We really want a black child but they keep turning out white.” The black guy looks at the white newfie and says, “So what is your question?” Newfie says, “Well what are we doing wrong?”…

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Practical joke

This isn’t exactly a joke in itself, but it’s a PRACTICAL JOKE you can pull on your friends and fellow “onliners”. Tell them to click on the following web site: http:adam.cheshire.net~bcdlepisto What will happen, is the person who does so will have to click 88 TIMES to exit that site! The only other way to exit it, is to TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER! It’s 100% harmless and doesn’t contain a virus, or anything like that. Try it yourself, and have…

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Teed Off

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To…

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Butt Seriously…

A guy goes to a proctologist to complain about a rectal disorder. The doctor examines him, tells him he needs an enema, gives him the necessary medication for the enema, and asks him to come back the following week for a checkup. Upon returning the next week, the guy complains that the medication did nothing for him. “Did you use the medication properly?” asks the doctor. “Of course I did, Doc! Jeez, what do you think, I shoved it up…

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How Contractors Bid

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys look at it and give me a bid.” So to the back fence they went. First…

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