Heap Jokes - page 7

WINE – OOOOHHHHH

A homeless drunk scrapes up all his change one day and heads for his favorite liquor store. He places $5.00 in change on the counter and says, “Max give me four bottles of the cheapest ripple ya got!” Eager with his score, he immediately downs all four bottles and passes out in an alley. Along about 1:30am a disgruntled fag happens by after striking out at the local gay bar. Spying the passed out drunk, he decides to relive himself.…

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Tainted Oranges!

Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They’d never been on a train before and were rather nervous. They decided to take some oranges on the train with them, as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey. The men bought their tickets and got on board. They bought the cheapest tickets, which were for the third class carriage. Third class had bare wooden seats and no lights. In spite of this, thetwo men…

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Goldfish Burial

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid…

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Dentistry

Man goes to see dentist and asks “How much to pull two wisdom teeth?” Dentist says, “$100.00.” Man says, “Too much. Can’t you do it for less?” Dentist says “I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine.” Man says, “That’s better but still too much. Can’t we do it any cheaper?” Dentist says, “I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful.”…

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I Like Monkeys

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in…

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Barbie And Ken’s Letters To Santa

Barbie’s Letter To Santa: Dear Santa: Listen, you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you…

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