Far side Jokes - page 10

20 MORE signs of a Cheap HMO

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines. 2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure,” 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace,” 4. Exam room has a tip jar. 5. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in. 6. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?” 7. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers. 8. “Take two leeches and…

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Hoozango!

On President Clinton’s trip to Africa, he took a trip to one of the less populated areas to see how the native tribespeople lived. He was escorted to a small village far from the beaten path. When he was introduced to the tribal chieftain he asked if he could speak to the villagers in order to spread the message of democracy. The chief obliged, assembling his tribesmen and bade President Clinton to speak. “In America,” he began, “we have a…

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Air Force One Crashes

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field…

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Millenium Vocabulary

The latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Y2K office environment: * Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. * Salmon day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. * Chainsaw consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. * CLM – Career…

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Strawberry Topping

There once was an old farmer who was hauling a load of manure in his truck. Unfortunately, his truck broke down just outside the fence of a mental institution. As the farmer was trying to repair his truck a patient from the mental institution came to the fence and asked the farmer, “Hey, buddy what are you going to do with that manure?” The farmer replied, “I’m going to put it on my strawberries.” The mental patient scratched his head…

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Filly Horse

Once a farmer bought a filly horse to bring home and train to race in the horse races. He was unloading the horse from his trailer, when his old stallion got a whiff of the little horse. This caused the stallion to become uncontrollably wild. The stallion wanted to have his way with the filly horse. The farmer knew that this would pose a problem. So he called the vet to see if he might have any sugestions. The vet…

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Viagra line (Men’s Version)

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….. DIRECTRA: a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA: men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting…

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Girl Thang Poem

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess I have two mounds upon my bodice I shave my legs, sit down to pee – Can justify any shopping spree Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon Can get a massage without a hard-on I can balance my checkbook, can pump my own gas Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass My beauty’s a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit to…

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Horoscopes for Southerners

It has become pretty obvious to me that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I’m out driving around I’ll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I’ll even see a ram. Up the street from me there’s some twins, but I don’t see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions, or scorpions,…

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It was the Night Before Christmas (60’s style)

?Twas the Night Before Christmas 60’s style ?Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Things were real mellow Even Irving the mouse Our boots were hung up The incense was lit In the hopes that St. Nick Would soon do his bit The tree was decked out It was really a sight With love beads and flowers And a flashing strobe light Wearing my T-shirt From the Woodstock Nation I was getting into Some good meditation And…

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Read JokeIt was the Night Before Christmas (60’s style)