Earth Jokes - page 2

Adam’s Instruction from God

After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.” Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what’s a kiss?” So the Lord gave Adam a brief description, and Adam then took Eve by the hand and led her behind a bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Lord, that was enjoyable.” The Lord…

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OHHH SHIT

Three men were in a car. The driver was drunk, and the car crashed in the middle of the desert on a huge rock. The three men started going up to heaven. Half way up they stop, they then hear a voice, “YOU THREE MEN HAVE A CHOICE, YOU GUYS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN OR BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ON EARTH OTHER THAN HUMAN.” So the three men all said that they want to be back on earth. They heard…

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If NOAH was in the USA today…..

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed…

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Moon Maiden

An astronaut landed on the moon and after exiting his spacecraft was leisurely exploring the moon’s surface. As he rounded a large boulder he came upon a beautiful girl standing next to a large black cauldron, the contents of which she was stirring with a long spoon. “Hello!” said the astronaut, “I am from the earth. What are you doing?” “Hello,” replied the moon maiden. “I live here on the moon and I am making a baby.” “How interesting!” responded…

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physicist vs engineer

A Physicist and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Physicist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap,so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Physicist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains “I ask you a…

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The Legend of Zelda

Cohen’s wife Zelda was a real shrew, a nag, a whiner, who made his life a hell on earth. When she died suddenly while screaming at him one morning, he nearly wept with joy. At the funeral, they were carrying her casket to the grave when one of the pallbearers tripped on a big rock, and like dominoes, tripped all the other pallbearers. The casket went careening down the hill where the lid flew open as it crashed into a…

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Fun with Anagrams

Take a look at the following words, after their letters have been rearranged: Dormitory = Dirty Room Evangelist = Evil’s Agent Desperation = A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in ’em Animosity = Is No Amity Santa = Satan Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z’s! The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I’m A Dot in Place The…

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A Man’s View of Marriage

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” 2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested. 3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. 4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws. 5. Young son: Is it…

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Grandpa’s Up Again

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays…

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ya mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo mamma — THE LIST YO MAMMA IS SO FAT ?Yo momma so fat her nickname is “DAMN!” ?Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. ?Yo momma so fat we’re in her right now ?Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise ?Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone ?Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors ?Yo mamma so fat you have to roll…

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