Ear to the ground Jokes - page 5

Golf Fanatic

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole. He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked…

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Applying To Be Lion Tamer

After the resident lion tamer had resigned, the circus placed an ad in the local newspaper for a new lion tamer. On the day of the try-outs, at least fifty men showed up. The audition would have started if not for a young blonde wearing a trench coat who suddenly appeared. She asked the ringmaster for a slot in the try-out and the ringmaster decided to make the blonde try out first. When the young blonde entered the large cage,…

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Hit the floor…..

An elderly woman went to Chicago representing her small church delegation at a religious conference. After checking into the hotel, she entered the elevator to go to her room. When she looked up, she noticed that there were two incredibly large black men in the elevator next to another mid-size black man. Being from a small town and having never been to the big city, the woman was terrified. As the elevator door closed and the woman turned around one…

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A true story…..

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable, because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I’m lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.…

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Constipated Elephant

This doesn’t quite qualify as a Darwin Award, but it comes pretty close… PADERBORN, GERMANY – Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly — and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like…

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Daughter’s Letter Home From College

Dear Mom and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in nothaving written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before youread on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when…

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Poor Old Man

A 90 year old man married a very young woman. Upon staying for 6 months together the wife of this old man conceived. The old man asked his doctor, “How this could have happened?” The doctor then said, “Look here, let me tell you a story.” An absent minded hunter went in the forest hunting; but instead of carrying a gun the fellow carried an umbrella. He saw a lion running straight at him. The hunter picked up his umbrella…

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Flight Attendant vs Princess

The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.” On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn’t…

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Chicken Breeding

One day, this lady decided to breed chickens. She found out, though, that she was unlucky in this hobby. Finally, she wrote to the Department of agriculture, hoping to get some helpful advice. Her letter read, “Dear Sir or Madam, every morning when I go to check on my prize chickens, I always find one or two of them lying all stiff and cold on the ground with their legs in the air. Would you please be kind enough to…

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The Saw

There was this construction worker on the 7th floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. He tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get one for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eye (meaning “I”) then pointed…

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