Crap Jokes - page 7

broken down car

A blonde goes to her mechanic and says, “My car is not working properly, can you fix it?” The mechanic tinkers with it for a while and says, “All done! Your car is fine.” The blonde asks, “What’s the story?” “Just crap in your carburator.” “Well how often should I do that?”

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Fertilizer Chain Letter

Dear Friends, This letter is being sent to you for I know that you are certainly interested in your lawn. The spring season is about to arrive, and it is time to act if you want a truly spectacular lawn this summer. This is a fertilizer chain letter. It will cost you nothing. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address of the person on the top of this list and shit on their front lawn. You will not…

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Some Try Anything

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. “And just how would I go about doing that?” he asked. “It is very simple. First, you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in…

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One step ahead

Two Yankees are speeding down a Texas highway when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper comes over and bangs on the window with his nightstick and when the driver rolls the window down, the trooper whacks him across the head with the stick. “What did you do that for?” asks the driver. “You’re in Texas boy and when I come to the window, you have your license and registration ready for me!” “Yes, Sir!” After they…

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The Lion Tamer Wannabee

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.” The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.” “Yes I do!” “Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?” “Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.” “Well, what if the lion takes that big…

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Casino

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m bottomless.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES!…

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