Cop car Jokes - page 8

If MEN planned weddings

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” until the cops showed up. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part. The couple would leave the ceremony in…

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A Pig for Hillary

As President Clinton returns to Washington after a brief trip to Arkansas, he gets off the helicopter carrying a fat Arkansas Razorback Pig with a Blue Ribbon. A handsome young Marine snaps a salute to the President and says, “That’s a great pig, Sir.” “Yes,” smiles Bill, “I got it for Hillary.” “Excellent trade, Sir.”

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Ballad of John & Lorena Bobbit

THE BALLAD OF JOHN AND LORENA BOBBIT (sing to the theme of the Beverly Hillbillies) Come and listen to my story of a man named John, A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone. It seems one night after gettin with his wife, She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife. “Penis, that is,” “Clean cut, missed his nuts” Well the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side. And Lorena’s in the car takin’…

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Pope in a limo

One day the Pope was going to a United Nations meeting in New York. When his plane arrived, the airport was mobbed. Finally, the Pope got into his limo. Because of the mob, the Pope was way behind schedule. So, he told his driver to go faster. His driver went a little faster but not that much. The Pope getting anxious told him to go even faster. The driver slightly went faster. Now the Pope was getting really anxious and…

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99.9%

If 99.9% is good enough then… 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers Two planes landed at Chicago’s O’Hare airport will be unsafe every day. 315 entries in Webster’s Dictionary will be misspelled 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year…

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Well, Algebra and the Wonderland Are Equally Confusing!

British mathematician Charles Lutwedge Dodgson wrote the children’s stories “Alice in Wonderland” and “Through the Looking-Glass” under the pen-name Lewis Carroll. Queen Victoria was so delighted with “Alice in Wonderland” that she had a letter sent to the author stating that Her Majesty would be graciously pleased to accept any other works by the same pen. She was somewhat disconcerted to receive in due course a copy of “Dodgson’s Syllabus of Plane Algebraical Geometry.”

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How to respond to e-mail ads….

You know those “special offers” that “you would be CRAZY to turn down”? Here’s how you might wish to respond to them: —————————————- To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your recent e-mail to me. It was good hearing from you and reading your advertisement As information, I am a reasonably healthy male, over 40 years of age. If you sent me the ad/offer regarding how I may “enlarge my breasts,” I think I’ll pass, if you don’t mind.…

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Revenge is sweet

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on…

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Drunken Excuses

There was a cop that had pulled a man over when he appeared to be drinking and driving. The cop told him that he was going to have to take a breathalyzer test and the man replied “I can’t do that, I have asthma and can’t hardly breath anyway. The cop said “Well, I guess we will have to go down to the station and get some blood drawn”. The man said “No, I can’t do that, I am anemia…

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Horny Pumpkin

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. (So, how is this different than any other time a man is driving? — Ray) Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts…

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