Ass x Jokes - page 10

Don’t Mess With My Uncle (Morals)

In a classroom one day the teacher asked her students, for homework, to think of a true story that has a moral. So the next day she asked Wendy to come up first. The teacher says, “Alright Wendy, what’s your story?” “Well,” Wendy started,”My grandfather lives on a farm and he has chickens. He wanted to sell all the eggs at the market but they didn’t make it to the market because the back of the truck broke and they…

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Warning Signs

A Texan had two warning signs posted at the entrance to his ranch. On the left sign, printed in English, were these words: “TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT AND KILLED BY THE OWNER OF THIS PROPERTY”. Printed in Spanish on the right-hand sign were these words: “FOR YOUR SAFETY, HEALTH AND WELL-BEING, LEARN TO READ THE SIGN TO YOUR LEFT”

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Change in Voting Schedule

Because of an anticipated voter-turnout much larger than originally expected, the polling facilities may not be able to handle the load all at once. Therefore, Republicans are asked to vote on Tuesday, November 7, and Democrats on Wednesday, November 8. Please pass this messagae along and help us to make sure that nobody gets left out.

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Vocabulary Lesson: Indifferent

The teacher asked who in the class could define the word “indifferent.” Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “That’s easy, it means it feels so good.” The teacher asked how he came up with that definition, and Johnny said, “I was up in my room last night, and my sister and her boyfriend were down on the porch, and I heard her say, ‘That feels so good’ and her boyfriend said, ‘That’s cause it’s in different.’”

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Read JokeVocabulary Lesson: Indifferent

Get the Hell Out!

I dreamed that Bill Gates and I both died on the same day, and we went to hell. I felt that there must have been some kind of mistake, so I went to talk to Satan and asked if there was any way to get out of hell. Satan said, “Well there is one way…you have to find the ugliest, nastiest looking woman in hell and make mad passionate love to her, and then you might be able to get…

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more bumper stickers…

a.. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? b.. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! c.. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole d.. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? e.. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. f.. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! g.. DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!!!! I’m running out of…

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Bigger Breasts at Any Cost

Once there was this woman who was, sad to say, very flat chested. Year after year of seeing beautiful, large-breasted women walking away with handsome guys finally got the best of her. She decided that she would have large tits at any cost. At first she went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. She went everywhere,…

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Read JokeBigger Breasts at Any Cost

What would you do?

A Sunday School teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would absorb the drama. Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful, little girl broke the hushed silence. “I think I’d throw up.”

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Martha Stewart’s December Christmas Calendar

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee…

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Read JokeMartha Stewart’s December Christmas Calendar

A Redneck MaMa’s Letter to her Son

Dear Son: Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I will write this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. First the big news…your Dad heard that most accidents happen close to home so we moved. You won’t know the house when you come home as I can’t send you the address because the last redneck family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.…

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Read JokeA Redneck MaMa’s Letter to her Son