Act of god Jokes - page 4

Religious

Car name acronyms

ACURA -Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile AMC -All Makes Combined AMC -A Major Cost AMC -A Mutated Car AMC -A Moron’s Car AMC -Another Major Catastrophe AUDI -Accelerates Under Demonic Influence AUDI -All Unsafe Designs Implemented AUDI -Another Ugly Duetsche Invention AUDI -Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence AUDI -Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. BMW -Babbling Mechanical Wench BMW -Beastly Monsterous Wonder BMW -Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels BMW -Beautiful Mechanical Wonder BMW -Barely Moving Wreck BMW -Big Money Waste BMW -Big Money. Why?…

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Christian, Politics

Falwell’s Witch-Bitch to the Pentagon

Rev. Falwell sees news reports that the military allows practicing witches in the Army. Incensed, he calls a top Pentagon general demanding that witchcraft not be tolerated in the military. “Good Christians pray to God for this Country. For all you know, these damn witches are casting Satanic curses.” “Sorry, Reverend…” the General replied, “we just can’t discriminate on the basis of hex!”

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Ethnic Cultural, Yo Mama

Hell’s not so bad

A young man died somewhat before his time in a motor accident, and found himself in Hell. He sat in a hot ante-room surrounded by swirling sulphurous gases as he gloomily awaited his fate. He’d heard all the jokes. “OK lads, tea break’s over, back on your heads.” Being forced to listen to a continuous Barry Manilow tape. The electrodes on the goolies. It made him shiver. Finally Satan arrived, detected the young chap’s demeanour and said, “Hey, why so…

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Christian, Golf

The Divine Advantage

One day God, Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. Jesus and Moses have both hit respectable 250+ yard drives on a par 4 with abundant water hazards. God takes his hit; lots of power in the stroke but he hooks badly, and the ball soars toward a deep pond. As it hits the surface, a trout rises beneath it to take a fly; the ball bounces off its head and deflects into the rough. A rabbit which…

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Funny Stories

Baby Pictures

Baby Photographer The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….” “Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting…

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Religious

why?

A man is talking to God and asks him: “God, why did you make women so beautiful?” to which God replies, “So that you would find them attractive.” Then the man asks: “God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?” To which God replies: “So that they would find you attractive!”

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Politics

Why did the chicken…(political version 2000)

Why DID the chicken cross the road? VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let…

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Lawyer

The loan request

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the…

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Funny Stories

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child, and not having had any luck, they decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come…

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Religious

For cat owners

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary DAY 752 – My captors continue to torment me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another. DAY 761…

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