T touch Jokes - page 2

A man wins the lottery and decides to buy a new house, so he goes to the estate agent and says to the agent, “I wanna buy the biggest most expensive house you’ve got!” So the agent says, “Ahh, I’ve been saving something special for an occasion like this.” The agent takes the man up to the house and shows him around. The man likes what he sees and is about to buy the house, when the agent says, “There’s…

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X-FILE CASE #1224 ================ 57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH Mulder: Scully! We’re too late! It’s already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone’s been here? Mulder: Someone … or something. Scully: Mulder, over here — it’s a fruitcake.…

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10. I ran out of toilet paper damnit! 9. I was flashed by the MiB and they took it, honest. 8. Clinton needed a speech for losing against Iran. 7. I lit my fart on fire and my homework got in the way. 6. Your pet humped it and I ain’t touching that. 5. My mom and dad were having sex, I had to watch. 4. Showgirls was on. 3. I had nothing to do and I ain’t doing homework.…

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Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen. What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck? The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. How do you know when your staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink!” and the person at the front…

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Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her, and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue one. The father took one step forward, just so he could touch the babies and believe that they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them, the nurse…

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A man was sitting alone at the bar looking so sad and forlorn. He had a glass of beer in front of him but he did not touch the glass for more than half an hour. Just then a burly, mean biker approached the sad man, grabbed the glass and drank all the content. As the biker wiped off the beer suds from his mouth, the man began to cry. The biker laughed and said, “Hey, man, I was just…

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Said John to Mary, “I’ll bet you a quarter I can kiss you on the lips without touching them.” “You’re crazy,” said Mary. “That’s impossible. Here’s a quarter that says you can’t.” The two coins were placed on the mantlepiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately and moistly. She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, “You did nothing BUT touch my lips.” John pushed the quarters toward her and said,…

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