stomach ache

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

“I should be in charge”, said the brain, “because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen”.

“I should be in charge”, said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away”.

“I should be in charge”, said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy”.

“I should be in charge”, said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal”.

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole.

SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We’re picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it’s “The Last Train to Clarksville.”
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness… darkness… Wait, there’s a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Kathy Ireland.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to “wife,” sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what’s going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we’ve taken a hit, it… it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we’ve been out of action ever since. I don’t… I don’t know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We’re all counting on you up here. Don’t give up now. Remember the chili of ‘94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I’ve got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It’s horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It’s… It’s six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought… I thought that we’d had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what’s going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That’s right, Number One. It’ll be work, all right. I don’t… I don’t know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let’s get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I’m trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to
MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn’t think…
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I’m afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You’re going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on, and it will pass. I don’t want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I’ll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That’s the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We’ve been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I’m trying to keep it contained, but I can’t promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I’ll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don’t mind telling you, if we don’t get this under control we’re going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Kathy Ireland.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It’s going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We’ve lost smile control in the lower facial and we’re developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I’m afraid we’ve had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It’s gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We’ve done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness canceled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let’s roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.HitHit! WE ffHkkkk

28 Things Guys Wish Girls Knew

1.. We’re not as big of perverts as you think we all are.

2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole

3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4.. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5.. Don’t treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.

6.. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you.

7.. Don’t go into detail about your period. It scares us.

8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what’s wrong, just tell us it’s that time of the month and nothing more.

9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.

11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It’s just wrong.

12.. Don’t make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us if you don’t.

13.. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us.

14.. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 Degrees,or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

15.. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

16.. Just cause you think you’re always right doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize when you do something “wrong.”

17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

18.. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

19.. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.

20.. Never kick us in the nuts “just to see what we would say.”

21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

22.. Pamela Anderson’s boobs aren’t fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.

23.. Size doesn’t matter, except to idiots who don’t want a relationship.

24.. PMS is not an excuse.

25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you should put it up when you’re done.

26.. Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t turn us on.

27.. Always remember: The way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach…..and maybe….oh never mind.

28.. And last but not least: We know you’re not always right, but we’ll pretend like you are anyway.

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!”
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe
Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to
forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and
referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to
choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the
information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into
two categories–those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part
of the plan. But don’t worry–the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half day’s drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged
when they want to talk about existing conditions.
Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
medicine?

A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave
me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000
yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-
patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I
do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the
reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to
invest the money for you in one of those great offers that
only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or
frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time
seeing your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until
you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists
he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is
the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an
appointment by then.

A man was suffering from a stomach ache so he told his wife, who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife’s tablets for a week, the pain disappeared, but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

The Doctor called him all the fools under the sun saying, “You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb. God know how I’m going to get your balls back down!”